They only come out at night

That's a lyric from one of my favorite bands back from my high school days. It has a purpose, though. The simplest and best tip I can give to my fellow childfree peeps out there when they have things to do, especially during this Holiday season. If you have errands to run, go out as late as you can.

There are many places that are frequented by people with and without children alike, and that includes most stores. And so, if you'd rather not have little ones underfoot while you're doing your shopping, go as late as possible. This is especially true of grocery stores. When I have a big grocery trip to do, I go an hour before closing on a weeknight. The parents are at home, getting the kids fed, their homework done, baths taken, and into bed. You won't have to deal with them at the store. On the flip side, parents who go earlier or on the weekend won't have to deal with our ranks zipping between carts or dodging the kids that can be oh so difficult to wrangle in the candy aisle (I know, I used to be such a kid).

Then there's shopping malls. If you're going to the mall on a Saturday afternoon, you can't expect to not have the place teeming with families. It's the most convenient time of the week for them to be there. And in December? You're just asking for it as there's a line to get onto Santa's lap. So spend the sunny, snowy days on the ski hill and let the moms and dads have the malls. Go in the evening. Going to a restaurant for dinner? Try dinner at 7 instead of 5. You'd be surprised how much of a difference it can make. As a bonus, it'll be less busy so you might get faster service, or a better table.

These tips are always valid but at this time of year, it's easy for all of us to get frazzled. So with a minor schedule adjustment, we can make it easier on everyone!

Can the Grinch please steal my Christmas?

I'm a lapsed catholic. Growing up, my mother would bring us to church twice a year: Christmas Eve, and Easter Sunday. There was little enthusiasm because it was just something we had to do. Naturally, we disliked going to sit in a quiet building sitting on uncomfortable pews listening to a man we didn't know drone on about the lessons of the Bible. To us, Christmas was about presents. My parents tried their best to teach us that we were fortunate because not every boy and girl had presents or even a tree. We were told to appreciate what we had. But the memories of those lessons pale compared to the sight of presents too numerous to fit under the tree and of the hours my mother spent wrapping them. Most prominently of all my memories is how my mother insisted that my brother and I have exactly the same number of packages, and that the total amount spent on our packages was within X number of dollars of each other. If she couldn't make it within that margin, one of us would get a card with money in it (sometimes we both would, with different amounts. She HAD to make quota), with a very intense explanation as to why. To a point, that's reasonable. You don't want to show your kids favoritism, I get it. But the vehemence with which my mother clings to this ideal is frightening, bordering on indoctrinating.

Now, my brother has 2 kids, so they are subject to the same treatment both from their parents, and my mother (my father is quite different, but arguing with my mother would make for a hostile environment. He plays along). From a very young age, these kids are being taught to count presents, and the whole "he/she has more than I do" schtick. It annoys me and it's totally unnecessary. All it's teaching them is a sense of entitlement and expectation, not fairness. Add to that the fact that the kids are being given any and all item that fits their specific niche craze of the moment (Disney princesses and Pixar's Cars, in case you were wondering), whether they ask for it or even know of it's existence. They are being saturated with consumerism.

Kids don't learn what you tell them. They don't learn what you intend to teach them. They are conditioned by their environments. You do it, they do it. That's not an absolute, but it's a damn good rule of thumb. At this rate, my niece and nephew are going to turn into People of Walmart.

And so, I stand in defiance. I give them educational or creative toys every year for their birthdays and Christmas. I can't wait until they're old enough for telescopes, chemistry sets, watercolors, pottery, electronics kits, etc. I plan to be there to help them crack their gifts open and learn to play with them properly because I know damn well their parents will sit them in front of the hundreds of hours of recorded shows on the PVR. I'm going to take them back-country camping, teach them to start a fire with their bare hands, explain to them why the sky is blue, tell them how volcanoes work, show them what global warming is, teach them why Febreeze and other chemicals are bad, watch "Supersize me" and "Food, Inc." with them and so many more things.

Knowledge is power. These may not be my kids, but I'll be damned if they're going out in this insane world powerless. They're as close to a legacy as I have, and I want to be proud of who and what they are when I leave them behind for what lies beyond. So to those of you who approve of and embrace the way my family behaves, I dare you to tell me the childfree are forsaking their "responsibility" of building a future because they're not having kids. I dare you.

Bah Humbug, everyone.