Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough

Note: this post was written years ago, and only when I was digging this old blog out of mothballs for posterity's sake did I realize this had been left as a draft.

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There's a go-to conclusion many people reach when they hear something they don't agree with, or something that is so diametrically opposed to their point of view that they refuse to even acknowledge the existence of the opposing viewpoint.

"You just don't understand!"

Child-free individuals face this a lot. Of all the topics of conversation that exist out there, raising children is one we're not allowed to have an opinion on. Well, I shouldn't say that. We're allowed to have an opinion, it's just not valid. No matter what the suggestion or comment is, it's dismissed out of hand by many parents because "you don't understand, you don't have kids" or the snarkier "you're clearly not a parent if you're saying THAT". I could be suggesting they let their kid breathe instead of having that plastic bag on their head, and I'd still be wrong.

Why so Serious?

What's the point of summarily attacking a viewpoint without discussion? Why not just debate, explain your own viewpoint, and hope that everyone learns something? A friend of mine recently pointed out that being child-free means I lack perspective on parenting. I don't think I lack perspective, I think I have a different one. I have the luxury of seeing the situation from a distance, more objectively. A parent is bound to take a stance that favours their family; I'd expect no less. On the other hand, I can step back and look at multiple factors: the individual parent, the other parent (where applicable), the siblings, the schooling, the environment in general, the choice of toys or entertainment, etc. and reach a conclusion more dispassionately than someone who might measure their worth as a parent based on the findings. I think it's an extension of The Great Lie, that giving validation to the opinion of an "outsider" somehow besmirches their parenting skills. And so the collective Breeder consciousness shuts us out and we are unable to offer counsel, doomed to always be out of the loop.

A little fight in you. I like that

Debate is healthy. An argument can be productive so long as it's well intended and respectful. But far too often, the responses I've gotten included a scoff or the other party outright laughed right in my face. That's disrespectful and rude. It's entirely possible that I didn't think of a certain aspect, or that my opinion or idea isn't correct. I invite anyone I'm talking to about anything to open a dialog so we can talk about it, so that I can learn. But somehow, if I dare say anything about how anyone raises their child—even the most innocuous of comments—I get ridiculed and ostracized for it. How dare I even think I have anything pertinent to say on the matter? It's not like I would ever comment on politics, or religion, or social trends, or fashion, or the entertainment world or... oh wait.

You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me

Because that's what needs to happen. Because as long as the Breeder elitism reigns and parenting is trendy, they'll need someone to be the bad guy. Someone has to be wrong in order for them to be right. Some will say that this article is hypocrisy, that I'm no better than what I'm denouncing because I'm wantonly "attacking" the other side. I say that I'm encouraging a less adversarial approach and I live for the day when I won't have anything to write about anymore. Until then, I can't just stand here.

The other guys

A lot of this blog's focus has been on what I've colloquially referred to as "The Breeder Wars". That butting of heads between me and parents who (in my opinion) are products of society's trendy view of child bearing and raising. The ones who I think place too great a demand on the rest of the world, have too much expectation, and have an over inflated sense of success. But today, I'm not talking about them.

There are parents out there that I truly admire. Not because their kids have Montessori or Waldorf educations, not because they only use organic local grass fed hand massaged beef, and not because they're hipsters that make their kids listen to everything on vinyl and shun anything known by more than 50 people. In fact, the parents I admire probably don't get noticed all that much. They blend into the background, minding their own business, doing their own thing. They apologize if they bump into you with the baby carriage, they always make sure their kids are fed/entertained/looked after in the least obtrusive way they can and are just about always mindful of their surroundings. I want to talk about 2 concrete examples of this.

We'll start with J. She and I met online years ago. We don't hang out, we're not the "Oh gosh, we should catch up" types. We check in on each other now and then, we enjoy the occasional conversation when we have the time and inclination. We read each other's blogs (sort of) and we like knowing what the other is up to. We are the quintessential Facebook friends. Last year, while standing in line getting some lunch, I heard a voice that sounded familiar. I looked over and there was J, 7 months pregnant. I had no idea. Despite the fact that J and I aren't in each other's inner circles, in this world of social media information sharing, I was taken aback that a major life event like this was unknown to me. "Well, this is new!" I said, looking at her belly. She explained how she and her spouse had decided not to advertise it publicly online. I don't remember if I thanked her out loud, but an overwhelming sense of respect and admiration came over me. J never cared much for trends or doing what everyone else is doing (one of the reasons why she's awesome) and the fact that she chose not to make her pregnancy into a spectacle was something I admired.

Then there's F and C. They beat the odds when C got pregnant, so this was a "miracle baby" of sorts. F and I worked together for the better part of 2 years (with a small gap in between), so I saw him every day. Not once did he complain about having to be up late, about looking after C when she wasn't doing well, or about the inherent stresses and difficulties of being a new parent. He'd show up for work and trudge through his day, coffee in hand, then go home and look after his family. Whenever I'd see C (either during pregnancy or after the little one was born), I'd always ask how she's doing. She'd give a quick rundown of how things were at home and then gloss over everything, shrug her shoulders and flash a smile as if to say "but you don't want to hear about that!". They talk about the little one and their family life, but they don't make it the one and only focus of every conversation. I find that respectful and refreshing.

My point is that I don't have issues with parents indiscriminately. I don't denounce everyone who has or wants children. There are certain behaviours that I dislike. There are facets of parenthood that I'm far less tolerant of than others. But at the end of the day, there are some parents I can't criticize. They're not be the spotlight parents who are on everyone's radar. They're not sensationalist attention grabbers who either receive unreasonable amounts of attention, or demand it. They are not the the divas, the mom- and dad-zillas. They're the other guys. They're the unsung heroes. They're my friends.

Perspective

This is a post I found on another website I can't name for various reasons. I did, however, find a post from one user I know only as jicara. As a change of pace from my usual spiteful ramblings, It thought it would be nice to listen to someone else who is CFBC for a change (posted with permission).

Anyone else great "parents" ?

I hold some pretty strong beliefs about children. How they should be raised, treated, taught, etc.

So sometimes, I have great advice, or I put my parent hat on, and get the child to listen, or do whatever, blah blah. And then people say "oh my gosh, you're so good at blank why don't you want kids?!"

But I have no desire to "show them how it's done". I don't want that responsibility of having to care that much about someone else's development. I think enough people don't grasp the true weight of that.

You are responsible for NOT fucking that child up so much that they can't function and/or unable to contribute to society. That's.. crushing. The depth of that; the financial, emotional and mental drain that has on you. I don't understand how people don't even at least, acknowledge this.

That's not to say, that there aren't great moments of being a parent. I'm not saying there aren't, or that there are few. I'm saying that the reward isn't enticing enough for me to even want to get near the starting point.

Does it make me selfish and horrible for admitting this?

I don't think so. I think it makes me honorable and honest. How many women really dig deep and say to themselves 'I'd be a horrible parent. So.. I shouldn't' and stick with it? How many are mentally, emotionally and physically abusing their children - both on purpose and not - because deep down, they really didn't want them. They instead, fell to pressures of society and listened that WE are the crazy ones. That we're the ones who aren't good people because we don't want that responsibility.

Society pushes us (people) to do what we LOVE to do. To give it our all. To be the BEST we can be. How many people really strive to be parents? Sure, there are those that grow up dreaming of parenthood. But.. I'm curious what the ratio is to those that their goal is parenthood and those that fall into it by happenstance?

I'm talking about those that are ambivalent about it. The ones who, because their friends do it, they get married, get pregnant and follow suit. That's also not to say that they're bad parents either. They are.. okay at it. Not bad, but not stellar.

We push ourselves to be more and be better everyday in our lives about silly, stupid things. Why don't we hold the same, if not HIGHER standards on parenting?

Thank you, jicara.