A round of BINGO

Some of you will remember my first BINGO-related post. For the uninitiated, childree BINGO is basically a list of things that we, the childfree, hear over and over again from people who don't accept or don't understand our choice of lifestyle. These statements are usually meant with no ill will, and any judgement is usually inadvertent. It just gets... redundant for us. And so, without further delay, I give you round 2 of CFBC BINGO (we're actually doing 2 sayings!).

"But you'd make such a great dad!"

Yup, I would. I'm financially stable and have the means to pay for a child's needs. I can cook, clean and have proven to be a competent educator. I have the mental discipline to follow a routine, I love challenging people's minds and senses, and I still have some of my whimsical childhood magic (I still have my favourite childhood teddy bear, and watch cartons daily). I have the makings of a good parent, but I don't want to be one. So when I get BINGO'd with this one, I usually offer the following facts:

I have higher than average upper body strength for my size. I'm skilled with knives and other clandestine weapons. I'm practiced (soon to be formally trained) in archery. I plan to learn and get certified in handling and storing firearms. I have heightened senses of hearing and smell (though my vision is weak, I'll admit that). I have an intermediate knowledge of human anatomy and know more ways to hurt someone than the average person. I would, in essence, make a good murderer. Maybe not great (let's not get away with delusions of grandeur, here), but good. I do not, however, go on nightly rampages killing other people.

"Come on, Rock. That's not the same!"

Well, ok. So murder isn't exactly socially acceptable or legal. I get that, but I wanted to make a point. And that point is that even though I have the ability to do something doesn't necessarily mean I should, and no one but me is qualified to say otherwise. No one has the right to tell me that I should or shouldn't father a child, regardless of how suited they think I might be. Besides, if it's something I don't actively want to do, and I force myself to do it, how good of a job will I really do? This isn't a set contract, this is a lifelong commitment. If I don't enjoy it or want to do it, then odds are my performance is going to suffer.

You're just being selfish

This is one of my favourites because of how often I hear it. I most often hear this from people who are older and have a few kids already (typically previous generations). They call me selfish because I don't want to give up my lifestyle, because I don't want to change who or what I am for the sake of parenthood, or because I wouldn't enjoy the responsibility. It would be far more noble of me to sacrifice the parts of my life I enjoy to engage in a full compromise of my life so I can bring another person into the world, then care for him/her. i'd like to add that previous generations are also the people who typically tell me how crazy and scary the world has gotten, and that they don't envy any child growing up today. The world is getting over populated, violence is running rampant, politics and economics are destabilized worldwide, and the environment is degrading faster and faster. And yet, I'm selfish for not bringing a child I don't want into this world.

Off the top of my head, I can name half a dozen people who have had children either for the attention, to try and "save" a relationship, or because it's become so trendy in Hollywood. Outside influence is treating their hormones like someone who can't drive a stick shift - switching gears without fully understanding what's going on, and doing more harm than good as a result. But these people's motives are more noble than my selfish ones.

It's an unfortunate double standard that is—I'm happy to say—diminishing. But it still exists. To those who want or have children and are fighting to give them a better tomorrow, I applaud you. It's a difficult job. It's a lifelong job. It's also a rewarding job. But it's not one i'll be applying for, no matter how much the other side might want to hire me. There are plenty of other positions in this world I'm qualified for.

An introduction to BINGO for the CFBC

Time for my first official post since being back. And I have to say, it feels good.

I had never heard of the BINGO phenomenon until my lovely wife made me aware of it some time last year. As individuals who are child free by choice, we often answer the same questions, face the same prejudices and struggle against the same stereotypes over and over again. It's a lot like a game of BINGO where you know what the numbers are, but you don't know which you'll hear next. You just know one of them will pop up sooner or later. Some CFBC people have actually drawn up BINGO cards that they mark off when someone brings up one of these points. While I won't post about it with any sort of regimented schedule, I will address a BINGO call every now and then. So without further ado...

"You'll change your mind when you have kids of your own"

The boldest and possibly the most idiotic of all BINGO calls. It's also one of the most common. People hear that I am child free and assume that it's a phase, that I'll grow out of it. They immediately assume that what I chose is wrong and will invariably right itself in the future. You know, when I have those kids I don't want. There is no higher form of self righteousness. The person is arbitrarily deciding that a) my decision is incorrect and b) I WILL have children regardless of what I've just said, and I WILL enjoy it. I got news for you: I won't, and I won't. In that order.

This BINGO call stems largely from the fact that a lot of people can't even conceive of a life without children. It's like air, or water, or food. You can't not have kids. So to them, it's as though I was saying I'll never breathe again because I don't want to. They don't perceive there's a choice. That's one thing, and I can almost understand it (despite a lack of willingness to open their mind a bit and look at the bigger picture). What bothers me the most is that once they've informed me that I will have children one day, they proceed to tell me that I will enjoy it. No ifs, ands or buts. No questions asked. I will enjoy having children. It is an absolute.

What if I don't? What then?

That's the all important question. Let's say I go along with the hype and decide to get my wife the most pregnant she could ever be in her life. She pops out a kid or two, and lo and behold, we're miserable. There is no love at first sight, there is no joy of parenting, there is no unconditional love. There's another mouth to feed, a risen baseline level of everyday stress and worry, a financial burden. What then? This isn't WalMart. I can't take the kid back and ask for a refund. No. This decision has the most fundamental of life altering consequences. I will not make such changes based on someone's assurance that a decision I made and haven't swayed from since I was a teenager will suddenly, magically reverse itself once I'm already in over my head.

How many people who drive a small car because it's their comfort zone could be convinced to buy the largest SUV on the market on the premise that "it will change"? How many country farmhouse owners could be talked into a high rise condo in an urban jungle? I don't understand why such simple logic is tossed aside in favour of pressuring me to conceive. Actually, I DO have a theory but that will merit its own post. Stay tuned!