This is going to be one of my more editorialized posts. I've discussed it with several friends who are parents, and most people disagree with me. But here is my view just the same.
Canada's capital is a unique area to live in, to say the least. Being such a politically driven city, there's a trickle effect that brings a higher than usual attention to political correctness, minorities, and greasing the squeaky wheels. OC Transpo, the city's public transit branch, is particularly targeted by everyone who wants their fair shake. Videotaped bus drivers, minority groups, labour disputes, etc. They are always dealing with something.
In the last few years, one hot topic has been strollers on buses. The city has tried numerous times to limit or outright ban large (what I call SUV-like) carriages and strollers on buses because they block the aisles, making it difficult for people to get by. At one point, regulations were put in place requiring strollers to be parked in the handicap spot, where the seats flip up and there's more room. That seemed like a good idea in theory, but elderly people on scooters and walkers, disabled people, even blind people with seeing-eye dogs were left to stand or sit elsewhere because a family was taking up the priority seating. But when the city has tried to tighten their restrictions to help the people missing out on priority seating, they had to deal with protesters. Not an angry mob, not a petition and not a series of constituents going to their city councillors. No, the City of Ottawa overturned their ruling because 15 parents stirred on the grounds of City Hall, with their toddlers and strollers.
15 parents. In a city of well over 800,000 people.
Is it far-fetched that a small group of people would make it known to public officials that a newly instated ruling displeases them? No, of course not. We live in a society where people have that right. What irked me is that the city nearly immediately capitulated and reversed their decision because 15 people knocked on City Council's door. This is a sign that parenthood has become trendy, and fashionable. Parents have become the hip social group no one wants to piss off, and people make unreasonable accommodations for them. Lots of people ride the bus. Every one of them has to make concessions for the benefit of other public transit users. Some people have to keep shopping bags in their lap when they'd rather put them on the seat beside them. Others stand when there's no room to sit, or give up their seat when someone needs it more than they do. They sit down wearing backpacks (something that's rather uncomfortable, trust me) so their bag doesn't take up too much space. But parents—these offended parents—insist that they be catered to. They won't fold their strollers or use a smaller one. They won't use a sling or baby carrier, or try to position themselves in a more accommodating manner. Because hey, they have children and they get to take up whatever space they damn well please.
Their attack on City Hall succeeded, but the rebellion is alive and well.
Insight into the day to day life of a man living Child Free By Choice
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
Debunking the myth
There are many misconceptions about childfree individuals. I'm not entirely sure where these misconceptions stem from, but I can only assume it's like any other stereotype: judgement based on incomplete information and people filling in their own blanks. It's human nature to form an opinion even before we know the facts because we're inquisitive and can't really wrap our brains around incomplete concepts. As a childfree person, the most common belief I have to denounce is that I hate kids.
I won't lie, some people do hate children, and that's why they don't have any of their own. That's not my case. I LOVE children. I'm an uncle to a beautiful 7 yr old girl and a brilliant mechanically inclined 5 yr old boy. I'm the godfather of 2 boys, the oldest of which is sharp as a tack (the youngest is only 3 months old but he's giving mom and dad a run for their money). I love spending time with all of them. At my oldest godson's 3rd birthday, I wrangled 6 toddlers, probably ranging from 2 to 5 or 6 and took them to the play structure in the park. It was probably the most fun I'd had in a long time. Some of my most cherished photos are of me and my godson playing cars on the city mat I'd given him as a present. I take pride in insisting I always get a "Please" and a "Thank you" from all the children in my life because it reassures me that the small niceties of living in society are not yet lost. I can play with any or all of them for hours and enjoy every minute of it.
I don't change diapers. I don't get up early unless I have to. I watch television shows that are not appropriate for children. I play violent video games. I often eat dinner at 8PM. I go to bed well after midnight. I can have a conversation with my wife by yelling at her from across the house. I can keep breakables on display, even on low shelves. I don't have to babyproof my cabinet doors, electrical outlets, blinds, or any other part of my house. As much as I love children, I also love my lifestyle. I don't want to clean up biological hazards left around the house by tiny versions of me. I don't want the Treehouse channel on 24 hours a day. I don't want to have to plan my life around responsibility to my offspring. Some people tell me I'm wrong, and that if I really didn't hate kids, I'd have some of my own. I don't hate kids. I'm just highly selective about how I love them, and what space they take up in my life.
Many people say that being a parent is the best job in the world (and I have no doubt that to them, it is). I get to do the same job part time, and with none of the paperwork. I kinda like that deal.
I won't lie, some people do hate children, and that's why they don't have any of their own. That's not my case. I LOVE children. I'm an uncle to a beautiful 7 yr old girl and a brilliant mechanically inclined 5 yr old boy. I'm the godfather of 2 boys, the oldest of which is sharp as a tack (the youngest is only 3 months old but he's giving mom and dad a run for their money). I love spending time with all of them. At my oldest godson's 3rd birthday, I wrangled 6 toddlers, probably ranging from 2 to 5 or 6 and took them to the play structure in the park. It was probably the most fun I'd had in a long time. Some of my most cherished photos are of me and my godson playing cars on the city mat I'd given him as a present. I take pride in insisting I always get a "Please" and a "Thank you" from all the children in my life because it reassures me that the small niceties of living in society are not yet lost. I can play with any or all of them for hours and enjoy every minute of it.
I don't change diapers. I don't get up early unless I have to. I watch television shows that are not appropriate for children. I play violent video games. I often eat dinner at 8PM. I go to bed well after midnight. I can have a conversation with my wife by yelling at her from across the house. I can keep breakables on display, even on low shelves. I don't have to babyproof my cabinet doors, electrical outlets, blinds, or any other part of my house. As much as I love children, I also love my lifestyle. I don't want to clean up biological hazards left around the house by tiny versions of me. I don't want the Treehouse channel on 24 hours a day. I don't want to have to plan my life around responsibility to my offspring. Some people tell me I'm wrong, and that if I really didn't hate kids, I'd have some of my own. I don't hate kids. I'm just highly selective about how I love them, and what space they take up in my life.
Many people say that being a parent is the best job in the world (and I have no doubt that to them, it is). I get to do the same job part time, and with none of the paperwork. I kinda like that deal.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The "many hats" syndrome
Social media is common place nowadays, for the parents and childfree alike. If you've ever been on Faceobok, then you've seen people post status updates that end with "repost this if ". Although I'm occasionally guilty of one of the groan-inducing Facebook status practices (posting song lyrics) I abhor these "repost this" statuses. They tend to elicit a "oh, give it a rest already" reaction from me. I'm jaded like that.
The "many hats" one, as I like to call it, takes the cake. Posts where a parent (often a mother, but not exclusively) will post about all the jobs they do, and how they don't get paid for it. They equate their daily practices to the skills that professionals hone and practice for years so they can make the necessary income to support themselves and possibly their families. Below are some of the most common ones I've seen, but it's an incomplete list. There is some repetition in my analyses and for that, I apologize.
Tailor/Seamstress: This is probably the one that has the most credibility, but still carries a warped sense of importance. Kids are hard on their clothing. That's what being a child is all about. Kids roll around in the mud, they climb trees, they run and play, they drag themselves around on the ground and who knows what else. Fabric can only take so much. For the budget conscious and mild to moderately crafty, fixing damaged clothing makes sense. Whether it's darning socks, patching jeans, sewing a tear, or even making basic garments from scratch, it's commendable to avoid waste and expense. But it doesn't put you anywhere near the professional level of a true tailor.
Chef: This one bothers me a lot. I've been cooking reasonably well since I was a teenager. Most of us have grasped a basic knowledge of making food for ourselves since moving out from our parents' house. The idea that making this food for children suddenly entitled one to the title of a chef is laughable. Even in the more selective households that choose to avoid processed foods and make absolutely everything from scratch, the meals are nowhere near what you would get from a professional chef. In the households that sacrifice a bit of that home made feeling for convenience (such as the house I grew up in), let's not even compare boxed mac & cheese with bologna to anything you can get from a chef.
Counsellor/Educator/Social worker: You're listening to a 7 yr. old talk about how they got shoved in the sandbox. Or teaching your teenager how to shave the 3 hairs on his chin (possibly on his back). You might be offering a shoulder to console a broken heart. You are not performing counselling, or any type of therapy. You are performing the basic tasks anyone would do for someone they care about be it close friend, family member, partner, etc. Short of home schooling (and doing it well), you're not an actual educator. You're conveying enough knowledge for your offspring to behave in society. That's pretty much the base definition of a parent in any social structure.
Driver/Chauffeur: This one is up there with being a chef. In 2009, there were just over 21 million licensed drivers in Canada (I apologize to anyone reading this from another country. Feel free to look up your own statistics). There were not 21 million chauffeurs. People drive cars, with or without children. Now, I will admit that having children will alter one's driving habits but that can be said of just about any aspect of a new parent's life. We all have different needs and routines when it comes to driving. Some parents don't even drive and do all right overall (though I have a bone to pick with some of the, stay tuned for that post). Unless you are in a luxury car driving your kids to fancy black tie events or award galas, you're not a chauffeur.
Nurse: A box of Sesame Street bandages and kisses on scraped knees is not a nursing degree. Lacking the advanced knowledge of Anatomy, Biology and medical practice, the average parent is, at best, skilled in performing the most basic of first aid.
There are variations of the "many hats" status post on Facebook, but these are the themes I see most often. These are tasks most childfree people do without blinking or demanding recognition for it. Granted, parents may do them in larger volumes, but these are tasks that were chosen. No one has kids and then thinks "I didn't think I'd be cooking more". No, these are responsibilities parents take on all throughout the animal kingdom - to make sure their young have what they need to survive. It's been going on long before humans even existed. Long before Facebook, credit and recognition were ever asked for. If children are taught to have such a sense of entitlement, does that make their parents "life coaches" too?
The "many hats" one, as I like to call it, takes the cake. Posts where a parent (often a mother, but not exclusively) will post about all the jobs they do, and how they don't get paid for it. They equate their daily practices to the skills that professionals hone and practice for years so they can make the necessary income to support themselves and possibly their families. Below are some of the most common ones I've seen, but it's an incomplete list. There is some repetition in my analyses and for that, I apologize.
Tailor/Seamstress: This is probably the one that has the most credibility, but still carries a warped sense of importance. Kids are hard on their clothing. That's what being a child is all about. Kids roll around in the mud, they climb trees, they run and play, they drag themselves around on the ground and who knows what else. Fabric can only take so much. For the budget conscious and mild to moderately crafty, fixing damaged clothing makes sense. Whether it's darning socks, patching jeans, sewing a tear, or even making basic garments from scratch, it's commendable to avoid waste and expense. But it doesn't put you anywhere near the professional level of a true tailor.
Chef: This one bothers me a lot. I've been cooking reasonably well since I was a teenager. Most of us have grasped a basic knowledge of making food for ourselves since moving out from our parents' house. The idea that making this food for children suddenly entitled one to the title of a chef is laughable. Even in the more selective households that choose to avoid processed foods and make absolutely everything from scratch, the meals are nowhere near what you would get from a professional chef. In the households that sacrifice a bit of that home made feeling for convenience (such as the house I grew up in), let's not even compare boxed mac & cheese with bologna to anything you can get from a chef.
Counsellor/Educator/Social worker: You're listening to a 7 yr. old talk about how they got shoved in the sandbox. Or teaching your teenager how to shave the 3 hairs on his chin (possibly on his back). You might be offering a shoulder to console a broken heart. You are not performing counselling, or any type of therapy. You are performing the basic tasks anyone would do for someone they care about be it close friend, family member, partner, etc. Short of home schooling (and doing it well), you're not an actual educator. You're conveying enough knowledge for your offspring to behave in society. That's pretty much the base definition of a parent in any social structure.
Driver/Chauffeur: This one is up there with being a chef. In 2009, there were just over 21 million licensed drivers in Canada (I apologize to anyone reading this from another country. Feel free to look up your own statistics). There were not 21 million chauffeurs. People drive cars, with or without children. Now, I will admit that having children will alter one's driving habits but that can be said of just about any aspect of a new parent's life. We all have different needs and routines when it comes to driving. Some parents don't even drive and do all right overall (though I have a bone to pick with some of the, stay tuned for that post). Unless you are in a luxury car driving your kids to fancy black tie events or award galas, you're not a chauffeur.
Nurse: A box of Sesame Street bandages and kisses on scraped knees is not a nursing degree. Lacking the advanced knowledge of Anatomy, Biology and medical practice, the average parent is, at best, skilled in performing the most basic of first aid.
There are variations of the "many hats" status post on Facebook, but these are the themes I see most often. These are tasks most childfree people do without blinking or demanding recognition for it. Granted, parents may do them in larger volumes, but these are tasks that were chosen. No one has kids and then thinks "I didn't think I'd be cooking more". No, these are responsibilities parents take on all throughout the animal kingdom - to make sure their young have what they need to survive. It's been going on long before humans even existed. Long before Facebook, credit and recognition were ever asked for. If children are taught to have such a sense of entitlement, does that make their parents "life coaches" too?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Censorship and Sensibility
This commercial was banned in the United States for being inappropriate:
I'm afraid I don't have the exact details of what "inappropriate" means in this case. I've unofficially heard that dying children offends the sensibilities of easily outraged television viewers (particularly parents) and should not be shown. But that would warp the message. The truth is that children do in fact die because of landmines and other war-related reasons. But because it happens half a world away, many of us have an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude.
It's unfair, it's tragic, and it's inhuman for children to get killed or maimed because they stepped a little too much to the left or right. But the U.N. had a point to make. They knew that having some high paid Hollywood actor on screen saying "landmines kill people" wouldn't be enough. In order to understand a plight, it's best to put it in terms your target audience can relate to. That's exactly what they did by showing a mine blowing up on a soccer field. The correct reaction to the message is to acknowledge that we live in a world where these horrible things happen. This is meant to spark action that enacts change, not to wrap the message in cotton batting or outright sweep it under the rug.
Children die every single day. No amount of outrage, or pretending that they don't, will make that go away.
I'm afraid I don't have the exact details of what "inappropriate" means in this case. I've unofficially heard that dying children offends the sensibilities of easily outraged television viewers (particularly parents) and should not be shown. But that would warp the message. The truth is that children do in fact die because of landmines and other war-related reasons. But because it happens half a world away, many of us have an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude.
It's unfair, it's tragic, and it's inhuman for children to get killed or maimed because they stepped a little too much to the left or right. But the U.N. had a point to make. They knew that having some high paid Hollywood actor on screen saying "landmines kill people" wouldn't be enough. In order to understand a plight, it's best to put it in terms your target audience can relate to. That's exactly what they did by showing a mine blowing up on a soccer field. The correct reaction to the message is to acknowledge that we live in a world where these horrible things happen. This is meant to spark action that enacts change, not to wrap the message in cotton batting or outright sweep it under the rug.
Children die every single day. No amount of outrage, or pretending that they don't, will make that go away.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The 'what' and the 'why'
By now, it's obvious that I am not a parent. So what am I?
I'm a husband. I'm an uncle and a godfather. I'm a brother, a son, a nephew, a friend and so much more. I've chosen to define myself not by who I produce, but by who I am. My life is absolutely complete without having children. That's not to say that I've taken a stance against having children. On the contrary, I love my niece, nephew and godsons to pieces. They take up a special part of my life, a part I don't want to have dominate over the rest.
So where did my decision to be child free come from? I actually made the choice years ago, when I was in high school. At the time, I joked that it was because I liked to sleep until noon on weekends (what teenager doesn't?), but it turns out it was just a simplistic way of expressing what I felt. The truth is, I want to live my life in a way that doesn't work well when children are involved. I want to walk down the street and make a spur of the moment decision to go into a pub. I want to drive to my favourite city 2 hours away because I can't think of anything better to do. I want to spend the night away from home without having to think about it or plan. I want to see my friends when I want to, not just when I can. I want to watch MY shows on television, or spend hours playing video games or on my computer without an interruption. I want to skip dinner in favour of pizza at midnight.
This is where it gets tricky. I could have made that last paragraph three times as long without thinking too hard. The problem is, no matter how long I could have made the list, it wouldn't change the reactions I often get. People will sometimes call me selfish for not wanting children in favour of doing all those self-motivated things. I think it's honest. I don't like the sight of viscera, so I'm not be surgeon. I could be saving lives and making a difference in our otherwise understaffed health care system, but I'm not because I don't want to deal with the accompanying unpleasant aspects. By the same token, I don't want to be a parent. That's not being selfish, it's recognizing my own capabilities and limitations. Would you want a surgeon who gets squeamish when he cuts you open? Neither would I.
Surgeons don't get to sleep in much, though. I do every weekend and I love it.
I'm a husband. I'm an uncle and a godfather. I'm a brother, a son, a nephew, a friend and so much more. I've chosen to define myself not by who I produce, but by who I am. My life is absolutely complete without having children. That's not to say that I've taken a stance against having children. On the contrary, I love my niece, nephew and godsons to pieces. They take up a special part of my life, a part I don't want to have dominate over the rest.
So where did my decision to be child free come from? I actually made the choice years ago, when I was in high school. At the time, I joked that it was because I liked to sleep until noon on weekends (what teenager doesn't?), but it turns out it was just a simplistic way of expressing what I felt. The truth is, I want to live my life in a way that doesn't work well when children are involved. I want to walk down the street and make a spur of the moment decision to go into a pub. I want to drive to my favourite city 2 hours away because I can't think of anything better to do. I want to spend the night away from home without having to think about it or plan. I want to see my friends when I want to, not just when I can. I want to watch MY shows on television, or spend hours playing video games or on my computer without an interruption. I want to skip dinner in favour of pizza at midnight.
This is where it gets tricky. I could have made that last paragraph three times as long without thinking too hard. The problem is, no matter how long I could have made the list, it wouldn't change the reactions I often get. People will sometimes call me selfish for not wanting children in favour of doing all those self-motivated things. I think it's honest. I don't like the sight of viscera, so I'm not be surgeon. I could be saving lives and making a difference in our otherwise understaffed health care system, but I'm not because I don't want to deal with the accompanying unpleasant aspects. By the same token, I don't want to be a parent. That's not being selfish, it's recognizing my own capabilities and limitations. Would you want a surgeon who gets squeamish when he cuts you open? Neither would I.
Surgeons don't get to sleep in much, though. I do every weekend and I love it.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Meet the UnParent
Hello, and welcome to TheUnparent. But just who/what is The UnParent?
Well, in many ways I'm the picture of average. I'm a 32 year old man living in my first house. I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world, I have a good steady 9-to-5 job in the IT field. I have my own car, a moderate amount of consumer debt, and I'm a cat owner.
But I don't have kids, and I never will.
That statement is weighty, and it always has been. In years past, procreation was a way of life. People grew into their teens, either paired off of their own will or were matched up by their families, and had children. Those children often worked on their parents' farms or apprenticed in town then grew to be teenagers, and the process repeated itself. Having children was expected of married couples, and doing otherwise was rogue behaviour to say the least. Couples without children could be tagged as blasphemers, or were often believed to have something "wrong" with them (whether the childlessness was attributed to decision or biology didn't matter in this case).
But Bob Dylan said it best: "The times, they are a-changin'". There's no longer a need for families to grow because of a need for a labour force. Parts of the world are overpopulated. Worldwide resources are dwindling. Having children is less of a necessity than it ever has been. However, there are still expectations placed on newer generations to have children. This expectation comes from many directions, and in many forms. These expectations are something I've chosen not to live up to. I've chosen not to be a parent.
This blog is not a soapbox. Though I may occasionally fire off a rant or 2, the point is to deliver arguments and explanations. I want my side of the story to be out there, for a few reasons. If you read discussion forums both for and against the child free lifestyle, there's an unofficial war brewing. While there's a lot of respect from both sides, there's also a lot of spite. I don't want to fight anyone, I want everyone to understand why other people make the decisions they do, and leave it at that. I also want to debunk myths and offer counter points to the many age-old arguments I (and my wife) face every day. I also want to tell this story from a man's point of view. The children/child free debate is often centered around women, as they are the child bearers of the species. But as a man, I also have a voice. I also have a mind, and I've made it up.
Welcome to The UnParent. I hope you'll be back.
Well, in many ways I'm the picture of average. I'm a 32 year old man living in my first house. I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world, I have a good steady 9-to-5 job in the IT field. I have my own car, a moderate amount of consumer debt, and I'm a cat owner.
But I don't have kids, and I never will.
That statement is weighty, and it always has been. In years past, procreation was a way of life. People grew into their teens, either paired off of their own will or were matched up by their families, and had children. Those children often worked on their parents' farms or apprenticed in town then grew to be teenagers, and the process repeated itself. Having children was expected of married couples, and doing otherwise was rogue behaviour to say the least. Couples without children could be tagged as blasphemers, or were often believed to have something "wrong" with them (whether the childlessness was attributed to decision or biology didn't matter in this case).
But Bob Dylan said it best: "The times, they are a-changin'". There's no longer a need for families to grow because of a need for a labour force. Parts of the world are overpopulated. Worldwide resources are dwindling. Having children is less of a necessity than it ever has been. However, there are still expectations placed on newer generations to have children. This expectation comes from many directions, and in many forms. These expectations are something I've chosen not to live up to. I've chosen not to be a parent.
This blog is not a soapbox. Though I may occasionally fire off a rant or 2, the point is to deliver arguments and explanations. I want my side of the story to be out there, for a few reasons. If you read discussion forums both for and against the child free lifestyle, there's an unofficial war brewing. While there's a lot of respect from both sides, there's also a lot of spite. I don't want to fight anyone, I want everyone to understand why other people make the decisions they do, and leave it at that. I also want to debunk myths and offer counter points to the many age-old arguments I (and my wife) face every day. I also want to tell this story from a man's point of view. The children/child free debate is often centered around women, as they are the child bearers of the species. But as a man, I also have a voice. I also have a mind, and I've made it up.
Welcome to The UnParent. I hope you'll be back.
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