Wheels of progress

To my droves of readers (all 4 of you!)

You may notice slight changes in the design of the site over the next little while. I'm trying to get more momentum behind this blog, and so I'm tweaking things here and there. Some of the back end stuff may have disrupted some people's access to the blog over the course of yesterday evening and this morning. Not to worry, things seem to be back to normal. The look of the site is changing slightly, but nothing dramatic. You may see more sidebar content pop up over the next little while as I try to get as much usefulness out of the site as possible. I've already set up a Facebook page and revived the Twitter account I created for the site (direct link icons are on the right hand side. Go look, I'll wait).

I've also disabled the CAPTCHA confirmation for comments, at the urging of some blogging enthusiast friends of mine (who better to give me advice?). It was in place to prevent some of the spam I've had on other blogs, but I'm giving it a trial run. Should there be a SPAM issue, I'll have to do something else.

If anyone has any other suggestions, by all means send them my way.

A round of BINGO

Some of you will remember my first BINGO-related post. For the uninitiated, childree BINGO is basically a list of things that we, the childfree, hear over and over again from people who don't accept or don't understand our choice of lifestyle. These statements are usually meant with no ill will, and any judgement is usually inadvertent. It just gets... redundant for us. And so, without further delay, I give you round 2 of CFBC BINGO (we're actually doing 2 sayings!).

"But you'd make such a great dad!"

Yup, I would. I'm financially stable and have the means to pay for a child's needs. I can cook, clean and have proven to be a competent educator. I have the mental discipline to follow a routine, I love challenging people's minds and senses, and I still have some of my whimsical childhood magic (I still have my favourite childhood teddy bear, and watch cartons daily). I have the makings of a good parent, but I don't want to be one. So when I get BINGO'd with this one, I usually offer the following facts:

I have higher than average upper body strength for my size. I'm skilled with knives and other clandestine weapons. I'm practiced (soon to be formally trained) in archery. I plan to learn and get certified in handling and storing firearms. I have heightened senses of hearing and smell (though my vision is weak, I'll admit that). I have an intermediate knowledge of human anatomy and know more ways to hurt someone than the average person. I would, in essence, make a good murderer. Maybe not great (let's not get away with delusions of grandeur, here), but good. I do not, however, go on nightly rampages killing other people.

"Come on, Rock. That's not the same!"

Well, ok. So murder isn't exactly socially acceptable or legal. I get that, but I wanted to make a point. And that point is that even though I have the ability to do something doesn't necessarily mean I should, and no one but me is qualified to say otherwise. No one has the right to tell me that I should or shouldn't father a child, regardless of how suited they think I might be. Besides, if it's something I don't actively want to do, and I force myself to do it, how good of a job will I really do? This isn't a set contract, this is a lifelong commitment. If I don't enjoy it or want to do it, then odds are my performance is going to suffer.

You're just being selfish

This is one of my favourites because of how often I hear it. I most often hear this from people who are older and have a few kids already (typically previous generations). They call me selfish because I don't want to give up my lifestyle, because I don't want to change who or what I am for the sake of parenthood, or because I wouldn't enjoy the responsibility. It would be far more noble of me to sacrifice the parts of my life I enjoy to engage in a full compromise of my life so I can bring another person into the world, then care for him/her. i'd like to add that previous generations are also the people who typically tell me how crazy and scary the world has gotten, and that they don't envy any child growing up today. The world is getting over populated, violence is running rampant, politics and economics are destabilized worldwide, and the environment is degrading faster and faster. And yet, I'm selfish for not bringing a child I don't want into this world.

Off the top of my head, I can name half a dozen people who have had children either for the attention, to try and "save" a relationship, or because it's become so trendy in Hollywood. Outside influence is treating their hormones like someone who can't drive a stick shift - switching gears without fully understanding what's going on, and doing more harm than good as a result. But these people's motives are more noble than my selfish ones.

It's an unfortunate double standard that is—I'm happy to say—diminishing. But it still exists. To those who want or have children and are fighting to give them a better tomorrow, I applaud you. It's a difficult job. It's a lifelong job. It's also a rewarding job. But it's not one i'll be applying for, no matter how much the other side might want to hire me. There are plenty of other positions in this world I'm qualified for.

Great Expectations

'Single Mom' Leaves Outrageous Note On Dinner Receipt

(Photo Credit: Huffington Post)

I found this story last week, and it got me thinking about a problem that is widespread among almost all walks of life, but for the sake of this blog's context, we'll limit it to parents. It seems that nowadays, everyone expects something (or everything) to be done for them, or they expect their particular situation to warrant some kind of special treatment. Individual sense of entitlement is at an all time high, and parents are no exception. In this case, a single mother doesn't leave a tip on a $138 meal. Pretty reprehensible behaviour, if you ask me.

Now, there are many unknowns here. Was she actually a single mother, or trying to weasel out of paying a few more bucks? Was it horrible service, and the patron was trying to spare the server's feelings? Who knows. There are so many other variables. The server could be a single parent themselves, or trying to get through college, or just another person trying to make ends meet. What makes the single parent's situation more paramount? The common complaint has been "If you can afford to go out for such a luxurious meal, you can afford a tip, parent or not". This complaint has come from parents. I applaud that, favouring fairness over loyalty to one's own kind.

The restaurant incident was isolated and unique, but it got me thinking about social attitude as a whole. There is so much expectation that certain things will happen. Government benefits, for example. Here in Canada, we have multiple monthly benefits offered by the federal government, sometimes in excess of several hundred dollars a month to a single family. Once upon a time, I worked in a government call centre. On the day those cheques and direct deposits came out, we were inevitably flooded with calls asking "where's my payment?". When we tried to explain that the day the cheque was delivered was an approximation, not an absolute, people would flip their lids. they needed that money to feed their children. They expected it. When there were holidays, or if the mail service was delayed for whatever reason, some people demanded that their cheques be delivered by the government department that issued them. If the direct deposit varied from one bank to another, recipients demanded that the government fix it. After all, they expected their payment. This was not a rare occurrence  Thousands of calls came in each and every month to the very same tune. It was seen as a crime for there to be a slight variation with respect to the day they got their free money from the government. These are people who clearly could not afford to raise children without assistance. In my opinion, that's the equivalent of biting off more than you can chew.

I would like to say that the expectation ends there, but it doesn't. I've seen delivery people ring doorbells or buzzers, and have the door open to the bright red face of a fuming parent. "How dare you ring the doorbell, didn't you think that I might have a child sleeping?" they say. "There's a tricycle and chalk drawings in the driveway, and you can clearly see a car seat in my minivan. You KNOW there are children living here. You should know better". Suddenly, it's become the job of all of society to handle nap time, as though disconnecting the doorbell, or even putting a sign up in the front door aren't viable options. No, mama and papa have fulfilled their most basic biological function, and it's the responsibility of the other 7 billion people in the world to work around that.

Specialized parking spots, special treatment on public transit, and so many more little things come into play every single day. But there are more and more CFBC people out there, and more and more businesses are catering to them. I don't know about you, but I expect things to change soon.

Self delusion, and the great lie

Remember my last post? Of course you do! I left you on a sort of clifhanger saying that I have a theory as to why so many people try to pressure me into accepting that parenthood would make me happy. So here I am ready to lift the tarp off what may be one of the more controversial posts I've made on The UnParent.

Parents lie to themselves (and to others) about how great parenthood is.

I've seen this phenomenon in varying degrees, but just about any parent that tries to convince me of the error of my child free ways shows symptoms. It's not entirely their fault, but I'll get to that part. First, let's look at the different components of The Great Lie.

The compaints

This one has to be gauged on a case-by-case basis, because some of it garners sympathy whereas some of it is just begging for a smack upside the head. The gist of it is parents complaining about how tired they are, how they never get a break, how the little one was up all night coughing/sneezing/fussing/crying/general oozing, and above all else how much hard work they put into being such a fantastic parent. While I wasn't a hellion, I'll admit I wasn't the easiest to raise. I can appreciate how much work is required to raise a child. Really, I can. But every single one of the parents I speak of tells similar stories expecting a parade, a plaque and a congratulatory ham for being the most awesome human being in the history of awesomeness, or human beings. Fertility doesn't automatically entitle one to praise. Parenthood - at least in this part of the world - is largely a choice. So if one choses to be in a particular situation, shouldn't they accept all the consequences of that choice? Why all this complaining?

The lie

Some people make the choice to be parents for the wrong reasons. Being a parent (particularly a mother) is trendy in today's society. Pregnant or adopting celebrities are all the rage (Brangelina, anyone?). Even multiple births are now a thing to be gawked at and admired; to the point of people breeding out of control and having their own reality shows. So people jump into parenthood expecting nothing but smiles and rainbows and pictures to hang on the fridge and Christmas mornings and good mannered kids and flawless bedtime every night and... and... and... They don't really stop to think about the other side of it. The commitment of being responsible for another life is a HUGE undertaking. There are going to be a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of tears, and they will be tested to the very limits of their mind, body and soul. It is one of the longest and most arduous ordeals a person can face. Still, prospective parents prefer to not think of all that. They focus on the positive. Or they engage in the aforementioned complaining to garner praise and admiration from those around them, so they feel validated. But why?

It's all worth it

This one has been around forever. Traditionally, this is said by women referring to the pain of childbirth, and how it was worth putting up with to see their baby for the first time. Frankly, I can't argue with that one. Babies are, after all, miracles. Whether you believe they are by design or pure biology, they are undeniably impressive with all their physical intricacies in such a small package. Seeing a child that emerged from your body for the first time would certainly make a person forget about hours of pain to get to that point. I get that. It seems like the statement has been given too much power, though. It's a catch-all rebuttal whenever you bring up the difficulties and pains of parenthood. No matter how hard it is to be a parent, no matter how much trouble having children can be, it's all worth it. So why always the same response?

No regrets

It's simply not socially acceptable to regret having children. No matter what happens, if a parent gives the slightest indication that having children was a mistake (whether it be timing, the mate they had the children with, or having children altogether), they become a pariah. I want to make a point of saying that it's entirely possible to regret being a parent, but still love your children. Most people won't make that distinction, but it is a very real one. One can regret doing something but love the end result (it's not all piss and vinegar, people). Whatever the nature of the regret, though, other parents will denounce them for heresy. "Being a parent is the best thing in the world, and you will not speak against it", they will cry. So this all begs the question... why does this keep happening, and why do parents keep falling into the trap?

They were lied to

This is not a recent phenomenon, and child freedom is a very new thing. Just a generation or two ago, you were an oddity if you were child free. Countless civilizations have sold their daughters, but only when they were of age to bear children. Marriages weren't considered to be official until there was a bun in the oven, because we've been programmed from prehistoric days to mate for the purpose of procreation. Many religiously-driven people will  live by the credo "go forth and multiply" or something similar. Nowadays, the propagation of the human race isn't so critical, but the pattern was set in motion ages ago. So people have children because it's expected of them. Some of them genuinely do enjoy it, and are suited for it (I happen to know and admire some of these people). The rest have to convince themselves. They have to bear their cross, and so they talk themselves into thinking they enjoy parent hood by telling themselves a tall tale, a grand story, a great lie.

Caveat emptor applies to more than just shopping.

An introduction to BINGO for the CFBC

Time for my first official post since being back. And I have to say, it feels good.

I had never heard of the BINGO phenomenon until my lovely wife made me aware of it some time last year. As individuals who are child free by choice, we often answer the same questions, face the same prejudices and struggle against the same stereotypes over and over again. It's a lot like a game of BINGO where you know what the numbers are, but you don't know which you'll hear next. You just know one of them will pop up sooner or later. Some CFBC people have actually drawn up BINGO cards that they mark off when someone brings up one of these points. While I won't post about it with any sort of regimented schedule, I will address a BINGO call every now and then. So without further ado...

"You'll change your mind when you have kids of your own"

The boldest and possibly the most idiotic of all BINGO calls. It's also one of the most common. People hear that I am child free and assume that it's a phase, that I'll grow out of it. They immediately assume that what I chose is wrong and will invariably right itself in the future. You know, when I have those kids I don't want. There is no higher form of self righteousness. The person is arbitrarily deciding that a) my decision is incorrect and b) I WILL have children regardless of what I've just said, and I WILL enjoy it. I got news for you: I won't, and I won't. In that order.

This BINGO call stems largely from the fact that a lot of people can't even conceive of a life without children. It's like air, or water, or food. You can't not have kids. So to them, it's as though I was saying I'll never breathe again because I don't want to. They don't perceive there's a choice. That's one thing, and I can almost understand it (despite a lack of willingness to open their mind a bit and look at the bigger picture). What bothers me the most is that once they've informed me that I will have children one day, they proceed to tell me that I will enjoy it. No ifs, ands or buts. No questions asked. I will enjoy having children. It is an absolute.

What if I don't? What then?

That's the all important question. Let's say I go along with the hype and decide to get my wife the most pregnant she could ever be in her life. She pops out a kid or two, and lo and behold, we're miserable. There is no love at first sight, there is no joy of parenting, there is no unconditional love. There's another mouth to feed, a risen baseline level of everyday stress and worry, a financial burden. What then? This isn't WalMart. I can't take the kid back and ask for a refund. No. This decision has the most fundamental of life altering consequences. I will not make such changes based on someone's assurance that a decision I made and haven't swayed from since I was a teenager will suddenly, magically reverse itself once I'm already in over my head.

How many people who drive a small car because it's their comfort zone could be convinced to buy the largest SUV on the market on the premise that "it will change"? How many country farmhouse owners could be talked into a high rise condo in an urban jungle? I don't understand why such simple logic is tossed aside in favour of pressuring me to conceive. Actually, I DO have a theory but that will merit its own post. Stay tuned!

Version 2.0

By the Old Gods and the New, it's been a while! So where was I?

Most bloggers give it up after a little while and to be honest, I was well on my way to becoming just another statistic. I had grown tired of the look of the blog so as an amateur designer, I was in no way motivated to work on something I thought looked ugly. Then excuse after excuse piled on and... well, you all know how it is. But today sparked something in me. Spite? Kind of, but not really. More like determination. I got very mad while having a casual conversation with someone today, and it got me thinking about getting back to this blog. The new logo and the colour palette came together in no time (which to me was a sign that it was time). Visually, the site is going to get minor upgrades over the next little while, but for the most part this is The UnParent's new look. That's just the beginning.

I've found some really good sources of information and entertainment, much of which revolves around the stigma of being child free. But there's also lots of hilarious stories, comics, personal anecdotes, rants, thought provoking prose and, unfortunately, the occasional post where I will have to lace up my virtual combat boots and go to war with the Breeders.

So there you have it. Those of you who are still around to start reading my work again are officially my favourite people. I will try very hard not to abandon you again. I already have half a dozen topics that occurred to me while writing this post alone, so I have no excuse.

In a nutshell, I'm back and I'm going to be louder than ever.

Mind your surroundings

That title is a line from one of my favourite movies of all time, which is always a good way to start. I've actually been toying with the idea of a post on child free public spaces for a while now, but I couldn't quite find the right jumping off point. Lucky for me, WestJet was nice enough to give me a catalyst:



WestJet makes great April Fool's jokes, and this is no exception. what got my attention, though, is how parents reacted to it. "Oh, if only we could have something like that, it would be heaven!" and other such statements along the general lines of I wish. Now, I admire the hard work that parents put into raising children. I also know that with such constant work being put into the task, having something like the stress of air travel being simplified would be a godsend. I mean, think of all the little, everyday things that become more difficult with small children. Air travel (or any kind of travel, really), going to the post office, buying groceries, booking a hotel, eating at a restaurant and more. I can't blame parents for thinking how much simpler it would be if children weren't part of the equation.

So why don't the childfree get that option?

No, really. There services out there offering childfree options (such as travel agencies, resorts, cruises), but most businesses that don't cater to young children are faced with the idea of discrimination. Many parents claim that it should be up to the business owners to meet the needs of families and provide dedicated spaces for their needs. In other words, they're asking for the same thing we are. The only difference is our requests remove a disruption from a public environment, while theirs creates an extra hardship for the business owners, and/or shows disregard for all of the business' other patrons. Speaking of consideration for other patrons, don't even think of limiting stroller access.

The bottom line here is that the breeders are crying about their civil rights. What this is really about is civil behaviour. If children always behaved, then this problem wouldn't exist. But kids are kids, and they get temperamental, they scream, they cry, they ooze, and who knows what else. I do think that common sense (which is unfortunately not common enough) should rule; I don't expect to see a child free McDonald's so I can eat my McNuggets in peace. I do, however, would welcome age-restricted restaurants, movie screenings, and a host of other activities. I want to enjoy a night out in peace, just like every parent out there wishes they could.