Self delusion, and the great lie

Remember my last post? Of course you do! I left you on a sort of clifhanger saying that I have a theory as to why so many people try to pressure me into accepting that parenthood would make me happy. So here I am ready to lift the tarp off what may be one of the more controversial posts I've made on The UnParent.

Parents lie to themselves (and to others) about how great parenthood is.

I've seen this phenomenon in varying degrees, but just about any parent that tries to convince me of the error of my child free ways shows symptoms. It's not entirely their fault, but I'll get to that part. First, let's look at the different components of The Great Lie.

The compaints

This one has to be gauged on a case-by-case basis, because some of it garners sympathy whereas some of it is just begging for a smack upside the head. The gist of it is parents complaining about how tired they are, how they never get a break, how the little one was up all night coughing/sneezing/fussing/crying/general oozing, and above all else how much hard work they put into being such a fantastic parent. While I wasn't a hellion, I'll admit I wasn't the easiest to raise. I can appreciate how much work is required to raise a child. Really, I can. But every single one of the parents I speak of tells similar stories expecting a parade, a plaque and a congratulatory ham for being the most awesome human being in the history of awesomeness, or human beings. Fertility doesn't automatically entitle one to praise. Parenthood - at least in this part of the world - is largely a choice. So if one choses to be in a particular situation, shouldn't they accept all the consequences of that choice? Why all this complaining?

The lie

Some people make the choice to be parents for the wrong reasons. Being a parent (particularly a mother) is trendy in today's society. Pregnant or adopting celebrities are all the rage (Brangelina, anyone?). Even multiple births are now a thing to be gawked at and admired; to the point of people breeding out of control and having their own reality shows. So people jump into parenthood expecting nothing but smiles and rainbows and pictures to hang on the fridge and Christmas mornings and good mannered kids and flawless bedtime every night and... and... and... They don't really stop to think about the other side of it. The commitment of being responsible for another life is a HUGE undertaking. There are going to be a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of tears, and they will be tested to the very limits of their mind, body and soul. It is one of the longest and most arduous ordeals a person can face. Still, prospective parents prefer to not think of all that. They focus on the positive. Or they engage in the aforementioned complaining to garner praise and admiration from those around them, so they feel validated. But why?

It's all worth it

This one has been around forever. Traditionally, this is said by women referring to the pain of childbirth, and how it was worth putting up with to see their baby for the first time. Frankly, I can't argue with that one. Babies are, after all, miracles. Whether you believe they are by design or pure biology, they are undeniably impressive with all their physical intricacies in such a small package. Seeing a child that emerged from your body for the first time would certainly make a person forget about hours of pain to get to that point. I get that. It seems like the statement has been given too much power, though. It's a catch-all rebuttal whenever you bring up the difficulties and pains of parenthood. No matter how hard it is to be a parent, no matter how much trouble having children can be, it's all worth it. So why always the same response?

No regrets

It's simply not socially acceptable to regret having children. No matter what happens, if a parent gives the slightest indication that having children was a mistake (whether it be timing, the mate they had the children with, or having children altogether), they become a pariah. I want to make a point of saying that it's entirely possible to regret being a parent, but still love your children. Most people won't make that distinction, but it is a very real one. One can regret doing something but love the end result (it's not all piss and vinegar, people). Whatever the nature of the regret, though, other parents will denounce them for heresy. "Being a parent is the best thing in the world, and you will not speak against it", they will cry. So this all begs the question... why does this keep happening, and why do parents keep falling into the trap?

They were lied to

This is not a recent phenomenon, and child freedom is a very new thing. Just a generation or two ago, you were an oddity if you were child free. Countless civilizations have sold their daughters, but only when they were of age to bear children. Marriages weren't considered to be official until there was a bun in the oven, because we've been programmed from prehistoric days to mate for the purpose of procreation. Many religiously-driven people will  live by the credo "go forth and multiply" or something similar. Nowadays, the propagation of the human race isn't so critical, but the pattern was set in motion ages ago. So people have children because it's expected of them. Some of them genuinely do enjoy it, and are suited for it (I happen to know and admire some of these people). The rest have to convince themselves. They have to bear their cross, and so they talk themselves into thinking they enjoy parent hood by telling themselves a tall tale, a grand story, a great lie.

Caveat emptor applies to more than just shopping.

An introduction to BINGO for the CFBC

Time for my first official post since being back. And I have to say, it feels good.

I had never heard of the BINGO phenomenon until my lovely wife made me aware of it some time last year. As individuals who are child free by choice, we often answer the same questions, face the same prejudices and struggle against the same stereotypes over and over again. It's a lot like a game of BINGO where you know what the numbers are, but you don't know which you'll hear next. You just know one of them will pop up sooner or later. Some CFBC people have actually drawn up BINGO cards that they mark off when someone brings up one of these points. While I won't post about it with any sort of regimented schedule, I will address a BINGO call every now and then. So without further ado...

"You'll change your mind when you have kids of your own"

The boldest and possibly the most idiotic of all BINGO calls. It's also one of the most common. People hear that I am child free and assume that it's a phase, that I'll grow out of it. They immediately assume that what I chose is wrong and will invariably right itself in the future. You know, when I have those kids I don't want. There is no higher form of self righteousness. The person is arbitrarily deciding that a) my decision is incorrect and b) I WILL have children regardless of what I've just said, and I WILL enjoy it. I got news for you: I won't, and I won't. In that order.

This BINGO call stems largely from the fact that a lot of people can't even conceive of a life without children. It's like air, or water, or food. You can't not have kids. So to them, it's as though I was saying I'll never breathe again because I don't want to. They don't perceive there's a choice. That's one thing, and I can almost understand it (despite a lack of willingness to open their mind a bit and look at the bigger picture). What bothers me the most is that once they've informed me that I will have children one day, they proceed to tell me that I will enjoy it. No ifs, ands or buts. No questions asked. I will enjoy having children. It is an absolute.

What if I don't? What then?

That's the all important question. Let's say I go along with the hype and decide to get my wife the most pregnant she could ever be in her life. She pops out a kid or two, and lo and behold, we're miserable. There is no love at first sight, there is no joy of parenting, there is no unconditional love. There's another mouth to feed, a risen baseline level of everyday stress and worry, a financial burden. What then? This isn't WalMart. I can't take the kid back and ask for a refund. No. This decision has the most fundamental of life altering consequences. I will not make such changes based on someone's assurance that a decision I made and haven't swayed from since I was a teenager will suddenly, magically reverse itself once I'm already in over my head.

How many people who drive a small car because it's their comfort zone could be convinced to buy the largest SUV on the market on the premise that "it will change"? How many country farmhouse owners could be talked into a high rise condo in an urban jungle? I don't understand why such simple logic is tossed aside in favour of pressuring me to conceive. Actually, I DO have a theory but that will merit its own post. Stay tuned!

Version 2.0

By the Old Gods and the New, it's been a while! So where was I?

Most bloggers give it up after a little while and to be honest, I was well on my way to becoming just another statistic. I had grown tired of the look of the blog so as an amateur designer, I was in no way motivated to work on something I thought looked ugly. Then excuse after excuse piled on and... well, you all know how it is. But today sparked something in me. Spite? Kind of, but not really. More like determination. I got very mad while having a casual conversation with someone today, and it got me thinking about getting back to this blog. The new logo and the colour palette came together in no time (which to me was a sign that it was time). Visually, the site is going to get minor upgrades over the next little while, but for the most part this is The UnParent's new look. That's just the beginning.

I've found some really good sources of information and entertainment, much of which revolves around the stigma of being child free. But there's also lots of hilarious stories, comics, personal anecdotes, rants, thought provoking prose and, unfortunately, the occasional post where I will have to lace up my virtual combat boots and go to war with the Breeders.

So there you have it. Those of you who are still around to start reading my work again are officially my favourite people. I will try very hard not to abandon you again. I already have half a dozen topics that occurred to me while writing this post alone, so I have no excuse.

In a nutshell, I'm back and I'm going to be louder than ever.

Mind your surroundings

That title is a line from one of my favourite movies of all time, which is always a good way to start. I've actually been toying with the idea of a post on child free public spaces for a while now, but I couldn't quite find the right jumping off point. Lucky for me, WestJet was nice enough to give me a catalyst:



WestJet makes great April Fool's jokes, and this is no exception. what got my attention, though, is how parents reacted to it. "Oh, if only we could have something like that, it would be heaven!" and other such statements along the general lines of I wish. Now, I admire the hard work that parents put into raising children. I also know that with such constant work being put into the task, having something like the stress of air travel being simplified would be a godsend. I mean, think of all the little, everyday things that become more difficult with small children. Air travel (or any kind of travel, really), going to the post office, buying groceries, booking a hotel, eating at a restaurant and more. I can't blame parents for thinking how much simpler it would be if children weren't part of the equation.

So why don't the childfree get that option?

No, really. There services out there offering childfree options (such as travel agencies, resorts, cruises), but most businesses that don't cater to young children are faced with the idea of discrimination. Many parents claim that it should be up to the business owners to meet the needs of families and provide dedicated spaces for their needs. In other words, they're asking for the same thing we are. The only difference is our requests remove a disruption from a public environment, while theirs creates an extra hardship for the business owners, and/or shows disregard for all of the business' other patrons. Speaking of consideration for other patrons, don't even think of limiting stroller access.

The bottom line here is that the breeders are crying about their civil rights. What this is really about is civil behaviour. If children always behaved, then this problem wouldn't exist. But kids are kids, and they get temperamental, they scream, they cry, they ooze, and who knows what else. I do think that common sense (which is unfortunately not common enough) should rule; I don't expect to see a child free McDonald's so I can eat my McNuggets in peace. I do, however, would welcome age-restricted restaurants, movie screenings, and a host of other activities. I want to enjoy a night out in peace, just like every parent out there wishes they could.

Rules of Engagement

I know, I'm way overdue for this post. The unfortunate reality of life and all it's little distractions has kept me from blogging. But I'm back and I'll try not to neglect my adoring public again.

*crickets*

Yeah, I expected that. In any case, I want to make some site-related announcements before I get into my actual blog post. First, I have my own domain. You can now read the blog by visiting http://www.theunparent.com/. The old Blogger address will continue to work, so use whichever you like. I'm also going to redesign the site. I keep looking at it, and I keep cringing. Expect an update in the not-so-distant future. Now, onto the meat and potatoes of the day.

I am fighting on the rebel side of a war. I hate to call it that because it makes me sound like a fanatic on my position as an individual who is Child Free by Choice (CFBC), but given how much and how often I have to defend myself, "war" is as good a term as any. But any war has its terms, and here is one you should know, because I will be using it often. This post is part glossary, part battle-lines-being-drawn.

Breeders
At first glance, someone who misunderstands me when I say that I'm at war might think that I'm at war with everyone who has children. This is not so. I have many friends who are parents and I get along with them swimmingly. I also have friends I get along perfectly fine with as long as I stay away from the parenting aspect of their lives. These are the Breeders. A derogatory term, for sure, but there is a reason for it. While the normal parents will respect our decision and see parenting as one aspect of their lives, the Breeders make everything about their children. Their child's smallest accomplishment outweighs your biggest news. They play the victim and often make comments about how they don't have time to do the things others do because of their devotion to their families. They are the ones who cry out for society to bend to their every whim while everyone else has to compromise (see Attack on City Hall). Breeders take on a sense of superiority the rest of us could never possibly understand because we have chosen a different path. It's a form of fanaticism, of zealotry no different than that of political or religious radicals. Circumstances change very little in the Breeders' reaction. If someone chooses to be child free, they're making a mistake, they're selfish, immature, and a host of other things. If a person is child free because they can't conceive, they get pity and a pat on the head.

There you have it. Later on, I will post far more in-depth articles about the specifics For now the lines in the sand are there, and the CFBC are fighting against their stigma as social pariahs. We are outnumbered, and mass media is not on our side. But we are resilient, know ourselves very well, are confident in our decisions, and are mindful of our surroundings. There is more to war than brute force. There's skill, patience, determination, strategy and most of all, belief. We have all these traits, we are growing in numbers, and we are coming.

Attack on City Hall

This is going to be one of my more editorialized posts. I've discussed it with several friends who are parents, and most people disagree with me. But here is my view just the same.

Canada's capital is a unique area to live in, to say the least. Being such a politically driven city, there's a trickle effect that brings a higher than usual attention to political correctness, minorities, and greasing the squeaky wheels. OC Transpo, the city's public transit branch, is particularly targeted by everyone who wants their fair shake. Videotaped bus drivers, minority groups, labour disputes, etc. They are always dealing with something.

In the last few years, one hot topic has been strollers on buses. The city has tried numerous times to limit or outright ban large (what I call SUV-like) carriages and strollers on buses because they block the aisles, making it difficult for people to get by. At one point, regulations were put in place requiring strollers to be parked in the handicap spot, where the seats flip up and there's more room. That seemed like a good idea in theory, but elderly people on scooters and walkers, disabled people, even blind people with seeing-eye dogs were left to stand or sit elsewhere because a family was taking up the priority seating. But when the city has tried to tighten their restrictions to help the people missing out on priority seating, they had to deal with protesters. Not an angry mob, not a petition and not a series of constituents going to their city councillors. No, the City of Ottawa overturned their ruling because 15 parents stirred on the grounds of City Hall, with their toddlers and strollers.

15 parents. In a city of well over 800,000 people.

Is it far-fetched that a small group of people would make it known to public officials that a newly instated ruling displeases them? No, of course not. We live in a society where people have that right. What irked me is that the city nearly immediately capitulated and reversed their decision because 15 people knocked on City Council's door. This is a sign that parenthood has become trendy, and fashionable. Parents have become the hip social group no one wants to piss off, and people make unreasonable accommodations for them. Lots of people ride the bus. Every one of them has to make concessions for the benefit of other public transit users. Some people have to keep shopping bags in their lap when they'd rather put them on the seat beside them. Others stand when there's no room to sit, or give up their seat when someone needs it more than they do. They sit down wearing backpacks (something that's rather uncomfortable, trust me) so their bag doesn't take up too much space. But parents—these offended parents—insist that they be catered to. They won't fold their strollers or use a smaller one. They won't use a sling or baby carrier, or try to position themselves in a more accommodating manner. Because hey, they have children and they get to take up whatever space they damn well please.

Their attack on City Hall succeeded, but the rebellion is alive and well.

Debunking the myth

There are many misconceptions about childfree individuals. I'm not entirely sure where these misconceptions stem from, but I can only assume it's like any other stereotype: judgement based on incomplete information and people filling in their own blanks. It's human nature to form an opinion even before we know the facts because we're inquisitive and can't really wrap our brains around incomplete concepts. As a childfree person, the most common belief I have to denounce is that I hate kids.

I won't lie, some people do hate children, and that's why they don't have any of their own. That's not my case. I LOVE children. I'm an uncle to a beautiful 7 yr old girl and a brilliant mechanically inclined 5 yr old boy. I'm the godfather of 2 boys, the oldest of which is sharp as a tack (the youngest is only 3 months old but he's giving mom and dad a run for their money). I love spending time with all of them. At my oldest godson's 3rd birthday, I wrangled 6 toddlers, probably ranging from 2 to 5 or 6 and took them to the play structure in the park. It was probably the most fun I'd had in a long time. Some of my most cherished photos are of me and my godson playing cars on the city mat I'd given him as a present. I take pride in insisting I always get a "Please" and a "Thank you" from all the children in my life because it reassures me that the small niceties of living in society are not yet lost. I can play with any or all of them for hours and enjoy every minute of it.

I don't change diapers. I don't get up early unless I have to. I watch television shows that are not appropriate for children. I play violent video games. I often eat dinner at 8PM. I go to bed well after midnight. I can have a conversation with my wife by yelling at her from across the house. I can keep breakables on display, even on low shelves. I don't have to babyproof my cabinet doors, electrical outlets, blinds, or any other part of my house. As much as I love children, I also love my lifestyle. I don't want to clean up biological hazards left around the house by tiny versions of me. I don't want the Treehouse channel on 24 hours a day. I don't want to have to plan my life around responsibility to my offspring. Some people tell me I'm wrong, and that if I really didn't hate kids, I'd have some of my own. I don't hate kids. I'm just highly selective about how I love them, and what space they take up in my life.

Many people say that being a parent is the best job in the world (and I have no doubt that to them, it is). I get to do the same job part time, and with none of the paperwork. I kinda like that deal.