The other guys

A lot of this blog's focus has been on what I've colloquially referred to as "The Breeder Wars". That butting of heads between me and parents who (in my opinion) are products of society's trendy view of child bearing and raising. The ones who I think place too great a demand on the rest of the world, have too much expectation, and have an over inflated sense of success. But today, I'm not talking about them.

There are parents out there that I truly admire. Not because their kids have Montessori or Waldorf educations, not because they only use organic local grass fed hand massaged beef, and not because they're hipsters that make their kids listen to everything on vinyl and shun anything known by more than 50 people. In fact, the parents I admire probably don't get noticed all that much. They blend into the background, minding their own business, doing their own thing. They apologize if they bump into you with the baby carriage, they always make sure their kids are fed/entertained/looked after in the least obtrusive way they can and are just about always mindful of their surroundings. I want to talk about 2 concrete examples of this.

We'll start with J. She and I met online years ago. We don't hang out, we're not the "Oh gosh, we should catch up" types. We check in on each other now and then, we enjoy the occasional conversation when we have the time and inclination. We read each other's blogs (sort of) and we like knowing what the other is up to. We are the quintessential Facebook friends. Last year, while standing in line getting some lunch, I heard a voice that sounded familiar. I looked over and there was J, 7 months pregnant. I had no idea. Despite the fact that J and I aren't in each other's inner circles, in this world of social media information sharing, I was taken aback that a major life event like this was unknown to me. "Well, this is new!" I said, looking at her belly. She explained how she and her spouse had decided not to advertise it publicly online. I don't remember if I thanked her out loud, but an overwhelming sense of respect and admiration came over me. J never cared much for trends or doing what everyone else is doing (one of the reasons why she's awesome) and the fact that she chose not to make her pregnancy into a spectacle was something I admired.

Then there's F and C. They beat the odds when C got pregnant, so this was a "miracle baby" of sorts. F and I worked together for the better part of 2 years (with a small gap in between), so I saw him every day. Not once did he complain about having to be up late, about looking after C when she wasn't doing well, or about the inherent stresses and difficulties of being a new parent. He'd show up for work and trudge through his day, coffee in hand, then go home and look after his family. Whenever I'd see C (either during pregnancy or after the little one was born), I'd always ask how she's doing. She'd give a quick rundown of how things were at home and then gloss over everything, shrug her shoulders and flash a smile as if to say "but you don't want to hear about that!". They talk about the little one and their family life, but they don't make it the one and only focus of every conversation. I find that respectful and refreshing.

My point is that I don't have issues with parents indiscriminately. I don't denounce everyone who has or wants children. There are certain behaviours that I dislike. There are facets of parenthood that I'm far less tolerant of than others. But at the end of the day, there are some parents I can't criticize. They're not be the spotlight parents who are on everyone's radar. They're not sensationalist attention grabbers who either receive unreasonable amounts of attention, or demand it. They are not the the divas, the mom- and dad-zillas. They're the other guys. They're the unsung heroes. They're my friends.

They only come out at night

That's a lyric from one of my favorite bands back from my high school days. It has a purpose, though. The simplest and best tip I can give to my fellow childfree peeps out there when they have things to do, especially during this Holiday season. If you have errands to run, go out as late as you can.

There are many places that are frequented by people with and without children alike, and that includes most stores. And so, if you'd rather not have little ones underfoot while you're doing your shopping, go as late as possible. This is especially true of grocery stores. When I have a big grocery trip to do, I go an hour before closing on a weeknight. The parents are at home, getting the kids fed, their homework done, baths taken, and into bed. You won't have to deal with them at the store. On the flip side, parents who go earlier or on the weekend won't have to deal with our ranks zipping between carts or dodging the kids that can be oh so difficult to wrangle in the candy aisle (I know, I used to be such a kid).

Then there's shopping malls. If you're going to the mall on a Saturday afternoon, you can't expect to not have the place teeming with families. It's the most convenient time of the week for them to be there. And in December? You're just asking for it as there's a line to get onto Santa's lap. So spend the sunny, snowy days on the ski hill and let the moms and dads have the malls. Go in the evening. Going to a restaurant for dinner? Try dinner at 7 instead of 5. You'd be surprised how much of a difference it can make. As a bonus, it'll be less busy so you might get faster service, or a better table.

These tips are always valid but at this time of year, it's easy for all of us to get frazzled. So with a minor schedule adjustment, we can make it easier on everyone!

Can the Grinch please steal my Christmas?

I'm a lapsed catholic. Growing up, my mother would bring us to church twice a year: Christmas Eve, and Easter Sunday. There was little enthusiasm because it was just something we had to do. Naturally, we disliked going to sit in a quiet building sitting on uncomfortable pews listening to a man we didn't know drone on about the lessons of the Bible. To us, Christmas was about presents. My parents tried their best to teach us that we were fortunate because not every boy and girl had presents or even a tree. We were told to appreciate what we had. But the memories of those lessons pale compared to the sight of presents too numerous to fit under the tree and of the hours my mother spent wrapping them. Most prominently of all my memories is how my mother insisted that my brother and I have exactly the same number of packages, and that the total amount spent on our packages was within X number of dollars of each other. If she couldn't make it within that margin, one of us would get a card with money in it (sometimes we both would, with different amounts. She HAD to make quota), with a very intense explanation as to why. To a point, that's reasonable. You don't want to show your kids favoritism, I get it. But the vehemence with which my mother clings to this ideal is frightening, bordering on indoctrinating.

Now, my brother has 2 kids, so they are subject to the same treatment both from their parents, and my mother (my father is quite different, but arguing with my mother would make for a hostile environment. He plays along). From a very young age, these kids are being taught to count presents, and the whole "he/she has more than I do" schtick. It annoys me and it's totally unnecessary. All it's teaching them is a sense of entitlement and expectation, not fairness. Add to that the fact that the kids are being given any and all item that fits their specific niche craze of the moment (Disney princesses and Pixar's Cars, in case you were wondering), whether they ask for it or even know of it's existence. They are being saturated with consumerism.

Kids don't learn what you tell them. They don't learn what you intend to teach them. They are conditioned by their environments. You do it, they do it. That's not an absolute, but it's a damn good rule of thumb. At this rate, my niece and nephew are going to turn into People of Walmart.

And so, I stand in defiance. I give them educational or creative toys every year for their birthdays and Christmas. I can't wait until they're old enough for telescopes, chemistry sets, watercolors, pottery, electronics kits, etc. I plan to be there to help them crack their gifts open and learn to play with them properly because I know damn well their parents will sit them in front of the hundreds of hours of recorded shows on the PVR. I'm going to take them back-country camping, teach them to start a fire with their bare hands, explain to them why the sky is blue, tell them how volcanoes work, show them what global warming is, teach them why Febreeze and other chemicals are bad, watch "Supersize me" and "Food, Inc." with them and so many more things.

Knowledge is power. These may not be my kids, but I'll be damned if they're going out in this insane world powerless. They're as close to a legacy as I have, and I want to be proud of who and what they are when I leave them behind for what lies beyond. So to those of you who approve of and embrace the way my family behaves, I dare you to tell me the childfree are forsaking their "responsibility" of building a future because they're not having kids. I dare you.

Bah Humbug, everyone.

Perspective

This is a post I found on another website I can't name for various reasons. I did, however, find a post from one user I know only as jicara. As a change of pace from my usual spiteful ramblings, It thought it would be nice to listen to someone else who is CFBC for a change (posted with permission).

Anyone else great "parents" ?

I hold some pretty strong beliefs about children. How they should be raised, treated, taught, etc.

So sometimes, I have great advice, or I put my parent hat on, and get the child to listen, or do whatever, blah blah. And then people say "oh my gosh, you're so good at blank why don't you want kids?!"

But I have no desire to "show them how it's done". I don't want that responsibility of having to care that much about someone else's development. I think enough people don't grasp the true weight of that.

You are responsible for NOT fucking that child up so much that they can't function and/or unable to contribute to society. That's.. crushing. The depth of that; the financial, emotional and mental drain that has on you. I don't understand how people don't even at least, acknowledge this.

That's not to say, that there aren't great moments of being a parent. I'm not saying there aren't, or that there are few. I'm saying that the reward isn't enticing enough for me to even want to get near the starting point.

Does it make me selfish and horrible for admitting this?

I don't think so. I think it makes me honorable and honest. How many women really dig deep and say to themselves 'I'd be a horrible parent. So.. I shouldn't' and stick with it? How many are mentally, emotionally and physically abusing their children - both on purpose and not - because deep down, they really didn't want them. They instead, fell to pressures of society and listened that WE are the crazy ones. That we're the ones who aren't good people because we don't want that responsibility.

Society pushes us (people) to do what we LOVE to do. To give it our all. To be the BEST we can be. How many people really strive to be parents? Sure, there are those that grow up dreaming of parenthood. But.. I'm curious what the ratio is to those that their goal is parenthood and those that fall into it by happenstance?

I'm talking about those that are ambivalent about it. The ones who, because their friends do it, they get married, get pregnant and follow suit. That's also not to say that they're bad parents either. They are.. okay at it. Not bad, but not stellar.

We push ourselves to be more and be better everyday in our lives about silly, stupid things. Why don't we hold the same, if not HIGHER standards on parenting?

Thank you, jicara.

The good kind of dirty

It's 2012, and the industrialized world is driven by social media. Most of us use Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest and a host of other sites where we can communicate our thoughts, likes and dislikes with other people. This blog is a perfect example. But with social media comes the inevitability of trends and memes, where you'll see the same thing posted by multiple people. This image is one iteration of something I've seen posted by many parents:

Sometimes it's an image, sometimes it's a typed out status. All of them point to the same thing: that having a house that looks like a tornado tore it apart is ok if you have children. Now before anyone hangs me out to dry, I want to say I know kids can be messy. I was terrible for not picking up my toys as a child. Even as an adult, I tend to put off doing dishes or cleaning up Nonetheless, I disagree with the above statement for a few reasons.

Generalization

This message of a messy home and happy kids is one of those statements that fosters a sense of community and solidarity amongst parents, because it's justification. Parents with messy homes don't feel so bad because other parents have messy homes, so it must be ok. It's a common thread in any subculture: If the herd does it, then it must be right.

There are some who flat out hop on the bandwagon because it gives them an excuse. An acquaintance of mine knows someone (we'll call her M) who is just such a person. Statements like this one give her an excuse to not do housework, so she has more time to play on her laptop while the kids are being raised by the television. Being selfish and attention-loving as she is, M will brag about not putting any time into the housework because she's looking after her family. She is the exception, not the rule, and I realize that. It's still a sad situation all around.

Causality

The statement implies that the messy house is because of the happy kids. In other words, dedicating more time to family life while sacrificing time spent doing chores. That is invariably seen as an acceptable trade off, because there is nothing more important than taking care of the kids. It's a noble sentiment in and of itself, but I find it too absolute.

I grew up in a clean house. Not a spotless one, but a clean one. My toys were put away when I was done at the end of the day (much to my chagrin), the dishes were done, any dirty laundry was in the hamper. The house looked lived in, for sure, but it wasn't a wreck. Nowadays, I see so many houses that require you to watch where you step for fear of putting your foot in a plate of food left on the floor, or stepping on a toy, spare battery, set of keys, fork, stray shopping bag or whatever else that was left where it was set down. I lived as a bachelor for 9 years, and my apartment never even came close to looking like that (and bachelors are notorious for being slobs). Maybe the times are different.

My mother was a stay at home mom until I was about 9 or 10 so when I was very young, she was home all day and in the evening, she and my dad would take turns taking care of me while the other one cooked/cleaned. I also have a brother who is 5 years older than I am. That was a large enough gap that they didn't have to watch us both with the same diligence. My brother could be left to his own devices while they cared for me. He could even help look after me. So it's entirely possible that my personal experience has clouded my judgement. I also have no memory before the age of 4. Perhaps my house was a pig sty during my toddlerhood (Is that a word? It sounds like it should be a word).

If you don't feel like dusting or doing dishes or putting away laundry, be my guest. It's your house. If you don't mind having your belongings strewn about your house where every day is a scavenger hunt, go for it. Honestly, I won't judge so long as it doesn't become a hazard and no one's safety is at risk. But don't tout yourself as a super parent because your stove top is a mess or because your socks are hanging form the ceiling fan. That's something M would do, and I don't want any parent to turn into M.

For the Cause

I am childfree by choice. I have reasons that I firmly believe in for making that decision. With that being said, my choice isn't the only valid one. Far from it. There are a multitude of different life situations out there, mine being only one of them. And though I created this blog to establish a foothold, a platform from which to express my ideas on child freedom, the current parenting phenomenon and society in general, I try as much as possible to keep a "live and let live" mentality. I rant, I complain and I criticize, but I am always open to dialogue. At the end of the day, I want my position to be validated, not emulated. I don't want my views or my choices to be acknowledged as better, I just want it respected that they are better for me.

Not everyone tries to keep this balance. In every cause, there are fanatics, zealots who insist that their way is the only way and they will try to impose that on anyone who will listen (or get in the faces of those who won't). Religion, politics, sports, even the great Coke vs. Pepsi debate has its share of people who will unleash their infinite rage upon those who don't capitulate and come completely to their side (I'm a Pepsi guy, in case anyone is wondering). The child freedom cause is no different. There are those who believe that everything should be segregated, that children should be banned from public spaces, that there should be no special provisions for families under any circumstances. There are those who believe that fines and other punitive measures should be implemented for anyone whose child might be an inconvenience to anyone. This isn't right. Fanaticism never leads to any progress. I've always been a firm believer that one person's freedom ends where the next person's begins. There are situations where loud noise levels due to lots of children are to be expected. I won't go there to read quietly, that just doesn't make sense. But if I'm going to a library, and there's an inordinate amount of toddler-screaming going on, I expect the parent/guardian to show the same courtesy and try to fulfill the purpose for which the space was designed.

Respecting boundaries is more important than (and can help avoid) drawing lines in the sand.

Great Expectations - revisited

Last week, I posted about a sense of entitlement some parents have. There was some back and forth in the comments with a friend and fellow blogger of mine, and I wanted to give her voice the spotlight and respond to her comments rather than let the conversation fall into a comment thread that may have less attention. So Felicia, this one is all about you :)

I won't rehash the comments, I invite everyone to go read them to establish context before I respond to Felicia's points.

So in most cases, it's not exactly free money, it's tax credits we didn't get (that your parents got)

I over simplified the section about government benefits in my previous post, mainly because I didn't want to bore people with the semantics of it. I may have misrepresented the situation somewhat. For that, I apologize. It is not a matter of the government cramming money into parents' hands every month. There are tax benefits (started at the same time as income taxes themselves, during the time of the Second World War). Those are income dependent. There are other benefits that vary based on a multitude of factors. Flat payments aren't really the norm (I can think of one off the top of my head, but that's not the point). I will be the first to admit I'm not the most well versed in this particular type of government benefit because it doesn't affect me, the point of my statement was that taxation and benefits can be very different for parents vs. the childfree, and in some cases that has led to what I consider to be an over-dependence.

Otherwise, I agree. People are way too self entitled. And that has much to do with how they were raised.

I agree, 100%. This is a symptom exhibited by society at large. I'm just looking at one particular slice of humanity.

I love the way you say "the choice they made". While I don't begrudge you not wanting kids, someone has to ensure that there will be a next generation

Strictly speaking no, someone doesn't. There are very few things that humans absolutely must do. Consume food and water in sufficient amounts, expel waste, breathe, and take sufficient shelter from the elements. That's it. From a strictly biological standpoint, that's all that's required. Having or not having children has zero impact on those necessities of life. Bear in mind that I'm looking at this from a scientific point of view. I'm not talking about a comfortable life, or a happy one. I'm talking about life in the strictest biological sense. That same biology, over millennia of evolution, has instilled most humans with a drive, a desire to procreate to ensure propagation of the species. A great number of people follow through with that powerful instinctual drive. Others just want to have a legacy. I fully admit that if everyone stopped reproducing and no one ever started up again, we would disappear as a species in a very short time. But we could. We do have that option. It may seem unpalatable or even unfathomable to some, but it is absolutely possible (in theory, at any rate). And so if people are having children out of some sense of obligation that the propagation of the species is required, that's still a choice. One that is made because all other options are summarily rejected out of hand, but a choice nonetheless.

The human race is a few thousand years old. Our planet precedes us by 4 billion years, and the rest of the universe is almost 10 billion years older than that. We have no idea what was or wasn't before that. The necessity of the human race to survive is relevant only when observed through the lens of our collective arrogance.

If it weren't for some services or courtesies, as you put it, no one could afford to have kids

I honestly had no facts to back up a response to this one, so I crunched a few numbers. Let's take a family with 2 parents and 2 children with no special needs, living in my hometown. No fancy tax loopholes or any other complications.We'll only consider the 2 main federal benefits, the Canada Child Tax Benefit (CCTB), and the Universal Child Care Benefit (UCCB).

According to Statistics Canada, the average family income after taxes in 2010 was $88,900 for a household with 2 working parents with children. (Source)

Given their tax bracket, this family is taxed at a rate of roughly 47% (Source). That means that their UCCB would be $530 a year after taxes. or $44.16 a month.

According to the Canada Revenue Agency, this family would get a CCTB of $84.19 a month (Source), for a total income of $90,440.28, or $7,536.69 a month

The only data I could find on the cost of raising children (something that can vary greatly) was from Manitoba Agriculture, which is far from where my imaginary family is living (Source). Still, better than no numbers at all. They estimate the cost of raising a child to the age of 18 to be roughly $166,760.50 (boys are a bit pricier than girls, this is an average). That breaks down to roughly $772 a month.

This leaves the family with $6,764.69 a month for the parents food, monthly bills, and miscellany. Without the government benefits, they would have $6,636.33. Is that enough? To me, it seems like it would be, but I don't have any first hand experience to say for sure. There are so many variables, and my example situation is very simplified. Still, these numbers were pulled from the middle of the field, the average wherever possible. That means that half of Canada's families have more money than this. Benefits increase as income goes down, so if the statement had been "no one <below income amount X> could afford to have kids", then it would be 100% correct (though I don't know exactly where that line would be). Those are the people I had mentioned in my previous post, the ones who have that expectation of government support for something that was, as previously mentioned, their choice.

And then who would work at McDonalds in 20 years?

You got me there. I do love my McNuggets!

Anyone is welcome to add to this be it corrected math, facts I missed, etc. All I ask is that all parties keep it civil regardless of whom or what you agree with. If you'd like to read more from Felicia's own blog, you can do so here. Very insightful, and far less rant-filled than The UnParent!

Wheels of progress

To my droves of readers (all 4 of you!)

You may notice slight changes in the design of the site over the next little while. I'm trying to get more momentum behind this blog, and so I'm tweaking things here and there. Some of the back end stuff may have disrupted some people's access to the blog over the course of yesterday evening and this morning. Not to worry, things seem to be back to normal. The look of the site is changing slightly, but nothing dramatic. You may see more sidebar content pop up over the next little while as I try to get as much usefulness out of the site as possible. I've already set up a Facebook page and revived the Twitter account I created for the site (direct link icons are on the right hand side. Go look, I'll wait).

I've also disabled the CAPTCHA confirmation for comments, at the urging of some blogging enthusiast friends of mine (who better to give me advice?). It was in place to prevent some of the spam I've had on other blogs, but I'm giving it a trial run. Should there be a SPAM issue, I'll have to do something else.

If anyone has any other suggestions, by all means send them my way.

A round of BINGO

Some of you will remember my first BINGO-related post. For the uninitiated, childree BINGO is basically a list of things that we, the childfree, hear over and over again from people who don't accept or don't understand our choice of lifestyle. These statements are usually meant with no ill will, and any judgement is usually inadvertent. It just gets... redundant for us. And so, without further delay, I give you round 2 of CFBC BINGO (we're actually doing 2 sayings!).

"But you'd make such a great dad!"

Yup, I would. I'm financially stable and have the means to pay for a child's needs. I can cook, clean and have proven to be a competent educator. I have the mental discipline to follow a routine, I love challenging people's minds and senses, and I still have some of my whimsical childhood magic (I still have my favourite childhood teddy bear, and watch cartons daily). I have the makings of a good parent, but I don't want to be one. So when I get BINGO'd with this one, I usually offer the following facts:

I have higher than average upper body strength for my size. I'm skilled with knives and other clandestine weapons. I'm practiced (soon to be formally trained) in archery. I plan to learn and get certified in handling and storing firearms. I have heightened senses of hearing and smell (though my vision is weak, I'll admit that). I have an intermediate knowledge of human anatomy and know more ways to hurt someone than the average person. I would, in essence, make a good murderer. Maybe not great (let's not get away with delusions of grandeur, here), but good. I do not, however, go on nightly rampages killing other people.

"Come on, Rock. That's not the same!"

Well, ok. So murder isn't exactly socially acceptable or legal. I get that, but I wanted to make a point. And that point is that even though I have the ability to do something doesn't necessarily mean I should, and no one but me is qualified to say otherwise. No one has the right to tell me that I should or shouldn't father a child, regardless of how suited they think I might be. Besides, if it's something I don't actively want to do, and I force myself to do it, how good of a job will I really do? This isn't a set contract, this is a lifelong commitment. If I don't enjoy it or want to do it, then odds are my performance is going to suffer.

You're just being selfish

This is one of my favourites because of how often I hear it. I most often hear this from people who are older and have a few kids already (typically previous generations). They call me selfish because I don't want to give up my lifestyle, because I don't want to change who or what I am for the sake of parenthood, or because I wouldn't enjoy the responsibility. It would be far more noble of me to sacrifice the parts of my life I enjoy to engage in a full compromise of my life so I can bring another person into the world, then care for him/her. i'd like to add that previous generations are also the people who typically tell me how crazy and scary the world has gotten, and that they don't envy any child growing up today. The world is getting over populated, violence is running rampant, politics and economics are destabilized worldwide, and the environment is degrading faster and faster. And yet, I'm selfish for not bringing a child I don't want into this world.

Off the top of my head, I can name half a dozen people who have had children either for the attention, to try and "save" a relationship, or because it's become so trendy in Hollywood. Outside influence is treating their hormones like someone who can't drive a stick shift - switching gears without fully understanding what's going on, and doing more harm than good as a result. But these people's motives are more noble than my selfish ones.

It's an unfortunate double standard that is—I'm happy to say—diminishing. But it still exists. To those who want or have children and are fighting to give them a better tomorrow, I applaud you. It's a difficult job. It's a lifelong job. It's also a rewarding job. But it's not one i'll be applying for, no matter how much the other side might want to hire me. There are plenty of other positions in this world I'm qualified for.

Great Expectations

'Single Mom' Leaves Outrageous Note On Dinner Receipt

(Photo Credit: Huffington Post)

I found this story last week, and it got me thinking about a problem that is widespread among almost all walks of life, but for the sake of this blog's context, we'll limit it to parents. It seems that nowadays, everyone expects something (or everything) to be done for them, or they expect their particular situation to warrant some kind of special treatment. Individual sense of entitlement is at an all time high, and parents are no exception. In this case, a single mother doesn't leave a tip on a $138 meal. Pretty reprehensible behaviour, if you ask me.

Now, there are many unknowns here. Was she actually a single mother, or trying to weasel out of paying a few more bucks? Was it horrible service, and the patron was trying to spare the server's feelings? Who knows. There are so many other variables. The server could be a single parent themselves, or trying to get through college, or just another person trying to make ends meet. What makes the single parent's situation more paramount? The common complaint has been "If you can afford to go out for such a luxurious meal, you can afford a tip, parent or not". This complaint has come from parents. I applaud that, favouring fairness over loyalty to one's own kind.

The restaurant incident was isolated and unique, but it got me thinking about social attitude as a whole. There is so much expectation that certain things will happen. Government benefits, for example. Here in Canada, we have multiple monthly benefits offered by the federal government, sometimes in excess of several hundred dollars a month to a single family. Once upon a time, I worked in a government call centre. On the day those cheques and direct deposits came out, we were inevitably flooded with calls asking "where's my payment?". When we tried to explain that the day the cheque was delivered was an approximation, not an absolute, people would flip their lids. they needed that money to feed their children. They expected it. When there were holidays, or if the mail service was delayed for whatever reason, some people demanded that their cheques be delivered by the government department that issued them. If the direct deposit varied from one bank to another, recipients demanded that the government fix it. After all, they expected their payment. This was not a rare occurrence  Thousands of calls came in each and every month to the very same tune. It was seen as a crime for there to be a slight variation with respect to the day they got their free money from the government. These are people who clearly could not afford to raise children without assistance. In my opinion, that's the equivalent of biting off more than you can chew.

I would like to say that the expectation ends there, but it doesn't. I've seen delivery people ring doorbells or buzzers, and have the door open to the bright red face of a fuming parent. "How dare you ring the doorbell, didn't you think that I might have a child sleeping?" they say. "There's a tricycle and chalk drawings in the driveway, and you can clearly see a car seat in my minivan. You KNOW there are children living here. You should know better". Suddenly, it's become the job of all of society to handle nap time, as though disconnecting the doorbell, or even putting a sign up in the front door aren't viable options. No, mama and papa have fulfilled their most basic biological function, and it's the responsibility of the other 7 billion people in the world to work around that.

Specialized parking spots, special treatment on public transit, and so many more little things come into play every single day. But there are more and more CFBC people out there, and more and more businesses are catering to them. I don't know about you, but I expect things to change soon.

Self delusion, and the great lie

Remember my last post? Of course you do! I left you on a sort of clifhanger saying that I have a theory as to why so many people try to pressure me into accepting that parenthood would make me happy. So here I am ready to lift the tarp off what may be one of the more controversial posts I've made on The UnParent.

Parents lie to themselves (and to others) about how great parenthood is.

I've seen this phenomenon in varying degrees, but just about any parent that tries to convince me of the error of my child free ways shows symptoms. It's not entirely their fault, but I'll get to that part. First, let's look at the different components of The Great Lie.

The compaints

This one has to be gauged on a case-by-case basis, because some of it garners sympathy whereas some of it is just begging for a smack upside the head. The gist of it is parents complaining about how tired they are, how they never get a break, how the little one was up all night coughing/sneezing/fussing/crying/general oozing, and above all else how much hard work they put into being such a fantastic parent. While I wasn't a hellion, I'll admit I wasn't the easiest to raise. I can appreciate how much work is required to raise a child. Really, I can. But every single one of the parents I speak of tells similar stories expecting a parade, a plaque and a congratulatory ham for being the most awesome human being in the history of awesomeness, or human beings. Fertility doesn't automatically entitle one to praise. Parenthood - at least in this part of the world - is largely a choice. So if one choses to be in a particular situation, shouldn't they accept all the consequences of that choice? Why all this complaining?

The lie

Some people make the choice to be parents for the wrong reasons. Being a parent (particularly a mother) is trendy in today's society. Pregnant or adopting celebrities are all the rage (Brangelina, anyone?). Even multiple births are now a thing to be gawked at and admired; to the point of people breeding out of control and having their own reality shows. So people jump into parenthood expecting nothing but smiles and rainbows and pictures to hang on the fridge and Christmas mornings and good mannered kids and flawless bedtime every night and... and... and... They don't really stop to think about the other side of it. The commitment of being responsible for another life is a HUGE undertaking. There are going to be a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of tears, and they will be tested to the very limits of their mind, body and soul. It is one of the longest and most arduous ordeals a person can face. Still, prospective parents prefer to not think of all that. They focus on the positive. Or they engage in the aforementioned complaining to garner praise and admiration from those around them, so they feel validated. But why?

It's all worth it

This one has been around forever. Traditionally, this is said by women referring to the pain of childbirth, and how it was worth putting up with to see their baby for the first time. Frankly, I can't argue with that one. Babies are, after all, miracles. Whether you believe they are by design or pure biology, they are undeniably impressive with all their physical intricacies in such a small package. Seeing a child that emerged from your body for the first time would certainly make a person forget about hours of pain to get to that point. I get that. It seems like the statement has been given too much power, though. It's a catch-all rebuttal whenever you bring up the difficulties and pains of parenthood. No matter how hard it is to be a parent, no matter how much trouble having children can be, it's all worth it. So why always the same response?

No regrets

It's simply not socially acceptable to regret having children. No matter what happens, if a parent gives the slightest indication that having children was a mistake (whether it be timing, the mate they had the children with, or having children altogether), they become a pariah. I want to make a point of saying that it's entirely possible to regret being a parent, but still love your children. Most people won't make that distinction, but it is a very real one. One can regret doing something but love the end result (it's not all piss and vinegar, people). Whatever the nature of the regret, though, other parents will denounce them for heresy. "Being a parent is the best thing in the world, and you will not speak against it", they will cry. So this all begs the question... why does this keep happening, and why do parents keep falling into the trap?

They were lied to

This is not a recent phenomenon, and child freedom is a very new thing. Just a generation or two ago, you were an oddity if you were child free. Countless civilizations have sold their daughters, but only when they were of age to bear children. Marriages weren't considered to be official until there was a bun in the oven, because we've been programmed from prehistoric days to mate for the purpose of procreation. Many religiously-driven people will  live by the credo "go forth and multiply" or something similar. Nowadays, the propagation of the human race isn't so critical, but the pattern was set in motion ages ago. So people have children because it's expected of them. Some of them genuinely do enjoy it, and are suited for it (I happen to know and admire some of these people). The rest have to convince themselves. They have to bear their cross, and so they talk themselves into thinking they enjoy parent hood by telling themselves a tall tale, a grand story, a great lie.

Caveat emptor applies to more than just shopping.

An introduction to BINGO for the CFBC

Time for my first official post since being back. And I have to say, it feels good.

I had never heard of the BINGO phenomenon until my lovely wife made me aware of it some time last year. As individuals who are child free by choice, we often answer the same questions, face the same prejudices and struggle against the same stereotypes over and over again. It's a lot like a game of BINGO where you know what the numbers are, but you don't know which you'll hear next. You just know one of them will pop up sooner or later. Some CFBC people have actually drawn up BINGO cards that they mark off when someone brings up one of these points. While I won't post about it with any sort of regimented schedule, I will address a BINGO call every now and then. So without further ado...

"You'll change your mind when you have kids of your own"

The boldest and possibly the most idiotic of all BINGO calls. It's also one of the most common. People hear that I am child free and assume that it's a phase, that I'll grow out of it. They immediately assume that what I chose is wrong and will invariably right itself in the future. You know, when I have those kids I don't want. There is no higher form of self righteousness. The person is arbitrarily deciding that a) my decision is incorrect and b) I WILL have children regardless of what I've just said, and I WILL enjoy it. I got news for you: I won't, and I won't. In that order.

This BINGO call stems largely from the fact that a lot of people can't even conceive of a life without children. It's like air, or water, or food. You can't not have kids. So to them, it's as though I was saying I'll never breathe again because I don't want to. They don't perceive there's a choice. That's one thing, and I can almost understand it (despite a lack of willingness to open their mind a bit and look at the bigger picture). What bothers me the most is that once they've informed me that I will have children one day, they proceed to tell me that I will enjoy it. No ifs, ands or buts. No questions asked. I will enjoy having children. It is an absolute.

What if I don't? What then?

That's the all important question. Let's say I go along with the hype and decide to get my wife the most pregnant she could ever be in her life. She pops out a kid or two, and lo and behold, we're miserable. There is no love at first sight, there is no joy of parenting, there is no unconditional love. There's another mouth to feed, a risen baseline level of everyday stress and worry, a financial burden. What then? This isn't WalMart. I can't take the kid back and ask for a refund. No. This decision has the most fundamental of life altering consequences. I will not make such changes based on someone's assurance that a decision I made and haven't swayed from since I was a teenager will suddenly, magically reverse itself once I'm already in over my head.

How many people who drive a small car because it's their comfort zone could be convinced to buy the largest SUV on the market on the premise that "it will change"? How many country farmhouse owners could be talked into a high rise condo in an urban jungle? I don't understand why such simple logic is tossed aside in favour of pressuring me to conceive. Actually, I DO have a theory but that will merit its own post. Stay tuned!

Version 2.0

By the Old Gods and the New, it's been a while! So where was I?

Most bloggers give it up after a little while and to be honest, I was well on my way to becoming just another statistic. I had grown tired of the look of the blog so as an amateur designer, I was in no way motivated to work on something I thought looked ugly. Then excuse after excuse piled on and... well, you all know how it is. But today sparked something in me. Spite? Kind of, but not really. More like determination. I got very mad while having a casual conversation with someone today, and it got me thinking about getting back to this blog. The new logo and the colour palette came together in no time (which to me was a sign that it was time). Visually, the site is going to get minor upgrades over the next little while, but for the most part this is The UnParent's new look. That's just the beginning.

I've found some really good sources of information and entertainment, much of which revolves around the stigma of being child free. But there's also lots of hilarious stories, comics, personal anecdotes, rants, thought provoking prose and, unfortunately, the occasional post where I will have to lace up my virtual combat boots and go to war with the Breeders.

So there you have it. Those of you who are still around to start reading my work again are officially my favourite people. I will try very hard not to abandon you again. I already have half a dozen topics that occurred to me while writing this post alone, so I have no excuse.

In a nutshell, I'm back and I'm going to be louder than ever.

Mind your surroundings

That title is a line from one of my favourite movies of all time, which is always a good way to start. I've actually been toying with the idea of a post on child free public spaces for a while now, but I couldn't quite find the right jumping off point. Lucky for me, WestJet was nice enough to give me a catalyst:



WestJet makes great April Fool's jokes, and this is no exception. what got my attention, though, is how parents reacted to it. "Oh, if only we could have something like that, it would be heaven!" and other such statements along the general lines of I wish. Now, I admire the hard work that parents put into raising children. I also know that with such constant work being put into the task, having something like the stress of air travel being simplified would be a godsend. I mean, think of all the little, everyday things that become more difficult with small children. Air travel (or any kind of travel, really), going to the post office, buying groceries, booking a hotel, eating at a restaurant and more. I can't blame parents for thinking how much simpler it would be if children weren't part of the equation.

So why don't the childfree get that option?

No, really. There services out there offering childfree options (such as travel agencies, resorts, cruises), but most businesses that don't cater to young children are faced with the idea of discrimination. Many parents claim that it should be up to the business owners to meet the needs of families and provide dedicated spaces for their needs. In other words, they're asking for the same thing we are. The only difference is our requests remove a disruption from a public environment, while theirs creates an extra hardship for the business owners, and/or shows disregard for all of the business' other patrons. Speaking of consideration for other patrons, don't even think of limiting stroller access.

The bottom line here is that the breeders are crying about their civil rights. What this is really about is civil behaviour. If children always behaved, then this problem wouldn't exist. But kids are kids, and they get temperamental, they scream, they cry, they ooze, and who knows what else. I do think that common sense (which is unfortunately not common enough) should rule; I don't expect to see a child free McDonald's so I can eat my McNuggets in peace. I do, however, would welcome age-restricted restaurants, movie screenings, and a host of other activities. I want to enjoy a night out in peace, just like every parent out there wishes they could.

Rules of Engagement

I know, I'm way overdue for this post. The unfortunate reality of life and all it's little distractions has kept me from blogging. But I'm back and I'll try not to neglect my adoring public again.

*crickets*

Yeah, I expected that. In any case, I want to make some site-related announcements before I get into my actual blog post. First, I have my own domain. You can now read the blog by visiting http://www.theunparent.com/. The old Blogger address will continue to work, so use whichever you like. I'm also going to redesign the site. I keep looking at it, and I keep cringing. Expect an update in the not-so-distant future. Now, onto the meat and potatoes of the day.

I am fighting on the rebel side of a war. I hate to call it that because it makes me sound like a fanatic on my position as an individual who is Child Free by Choice (CFBC), but given how much and how often I have to defend myself, "war" is as good a term as any. But any war has its terms, and here is one you should know, because I will be using it often. This post is part glossary, part battle-lines-being-drawn.

Breeders
At first glance, someone who misunderstands me when I say that I'm at war might think that I'm at war with everyone who has children. This is not so. I have many friends who are parents and I get along with them swimmingly. I also have friends I get along perfectly fine with as long as I stay away from the parenting aspect of their lives. These are the Breeders. A derogatory term, for sure, but there is a reason for it. While the normal parents will respect our decision and see parenting as one aspect of their lives, the Breeders make everything about their children. Their child's smallest accomplishment outweighs your biggest news. They play the victim and often make comments about how they don't have time to do the things others do because of their devotion to their families. They are the ones who cry out for society to bend to their every whim while everyone else has to compromise (see Attack on City Hall). Breeders take on a sense of superiority the rest of us could never possibly understand because we have chosen a different path. It's a form of fanaticism, of zealotry no different than that of political or religious radicals. Circumstances change very little in the Breeders' reaction. If someone chooses to be child free, they're making a mistake, they're selfish, immature, and a host of other things. If a person is child free because they can't conceive, they get pity and a pat on the head.

There you have it. Later on, I will post far more in-depth articles about the specifics For now the lines in the sand are there, and the CFBC are fighting against their stigma as social pariahs. We are outnumbered, and mass media is not on our side. But we are resilient, know ourselves very well, are confident in our decisions, and are mindful of our surroundings. There is more to war than brute force. There's skill, patience, determination, strategy and most of all, belief. We have all these traits, we are growing in numbers, and we are coming.

Attack on City Hall

This is going to be one of my more editorialized posts. I've discussed it with several friends who are parents, and most people disagree with me. But here is my view just the same.

Canada's capital is a unique area to live in, to say the least. Being such a politically driven city, there's a trickle effect that brings a higher than usual attention to political correctness, minorities, and greasing the squeaky wheels. OC Transpo, the city's public transit branch, is particularly targeted by everyone who wants their fair shake. Videotaped bus drivers, minority groups, labour disputes, etc. They are always dealing with something.

In the last few years, one hot topic has been strollers on buses. The city has tried numerous times to limit or outright ban large (what I call SUV-like) carriages and strollers on buses because they block the aisles, making it difficult for people to get by. At one point, regulations were put in place requiring strollers to be parked in the handicap spot, where the seats flip up and there's more room. That seemed like a good idea in theory, but elderly people on scooters and walkers, disabled people, even blind people with seeing-eye dogs were left to stand or sit elsewhere because a family was taking up the priority seating. But when the city has tried to tighten their restrictions to help the people missing out on priority seating, they had to deal with protesters. Not an angry mob, not a petition and not a series of constituents going to their city councillors. No, the City of Ottawa overturned their ruling because 15 parents stirred on the grounds of City Hall, with their toddlers and strollers.

15 parents. In a city of well over 800,000 people.

Is it far-fetched that a small group of people would make it known to public officials that a newly instated ruling displeases them? No, of course not. We live in a society where people have that right. What irked me is that the city nearly immediately capitulated and reversed their decision because 15 people knocked on City Council's door. This is a sign that parenthood has become trendy, and fashionable. Parents have become the hip social group no one wants to piss off, and people make unreasonable accommodations for them. Lots of people ride the bus. Every one of them has to make concessions for the benefit of other public transit users. Some people have to keep shopping bags in their lap when they'd rather put them on the seat beside them. Others stand when there's no room to sit, or give up their seat when someone needs it more than they do. They sit down wearing backpacks (something that's rather uncomfortable, trust me) so their bag doesn't take up too much space. But parents—these offended parents—insist that they be catered to. They won't fold their strollers or use a smaller one. They won't use a sling or baby carrier, or try to position themselves in a more accommodating manner. Because hey, they have children and they get to take up whatever space they damn well please.

Their attack on City Hall succeeded, but the rebellion is alive and well.

Debunking the myth

There are many misconceptions about childfree individuals. I'm not entirely sure where these misconceptions stem from, but I can only assume it's like any other stereotype: judgement based on incomplete information and people filling in their own blanks. It's human nature to form an opinion even before we know the facts because we're inquisitive and can't really wrap our brains around incomplete concepts. As a childfree person, the most common belief I have to denounce is that I hate kids.

I won't lie, some people do hate children, and that's why they don't have any of their own. That's not my case. I LOVE children. I'm an uncle to a beautiful 7 yr old girl and a brilliant mechanically inclined 5 yr old boy. I'm the godfather of 2 boys, the oldest of which is sharp as a tack (the youngest is only 3 months old but he's giving mom and dad a run for their money). I love spending time with all of them. At my oldest godson's 3rd birthday, I wrangled 6 toddlers, probably ranging from 2 to 5 or 6 and took them to the play structure in the park. It was probably the most fun I'd had in a long time. Some of my most cherished photos are of me and my godson playing cars on the city mat I'd given him as a present. I take pride in insisting I always get a "Please" and a "Thank you" from all the children in my life because it reassures me that the small niceties of living in society are not yet lost. I can play with any or all of them for hours and enjoy every minute of it.

I don't change diapers. I don't get up early unless I have to. I watch television shows that are not appropriate for children. I play violent video games. I often eat dinner at 8PM. I go to bed well after midnight. I can have a conversation with my wife by yelling at her from across the house. I can keep breakables on display, even on low shelves. I don't have to babyproof my cabinet doors, electrical outlets, blinds, or any other part of my house. As much as I love children, I also love my lifestyle. I don't want to clean up biological hazards left around the house by tiny versions of me. I don't want the Treehouse channel on 24 hours a day. I don't want to have to plan my life around responsibility to my offspring. Some people tell me I'm wrong, and that if I really didn't hate kids, I'd have some of my own. I don't hate kids. I'm just highly selective about how I love them, and what space they take up in my life.

Many people say that being a parent is the best job in the world (and I have no doubt that to them, it is). I get to do the same job part time, and with none of the paperwork. I kinda like that deal.

The "many hats" syndrome

Social media is common place nowadays, for the parents and childfree alike. If you've ever been on Faceobok, then you've seen people post status updates that end with "repost this if ". Although I'm occasionally guilty of one of the groan-inducing Facebook status practices (posting song lyrics) I abhor these "repost this" statuses. They tend to elicit a "oh, give it a rest already" reaction from me. I'm jaded like that.

The "many hats" one, as I like to call it, takes the cake. Posts where a parent (often a mother, but not exclusively) will post about all the jobs they do, and how they don't get paid for it. They equate their daily practices to the skills that professionals hone and practice for years so they can make the necessary income to support themselves and possibly their families. Below are some of the most common ones I've seen, but it's an incomplete list. There is some repetition in my analyses and for that, I apologize.

Tailor/Seamstress: This is probably the one that has the most credibility, but still carries a warped sense of importance. Kids are hard on their clothing. That's what being a child is all about. Kids roll around in the mud, they climb trees, they run and play, they drag themselves around on the ground and who knows what else. Fabric can only take so much. For the budget conscious and mild to moderately crafty, fixing damaged clothing makes sense. Whether it's darning socks, patching jeans, sewing a tear, or even making basic garments from scratch, it's commendable to avoid waste and expense. But it doesn't put you anywhere near the professional level of a true tailor.

Chef: This one bothers me a lot. I've been cooking reasonably well since I was a teenager. Most of us have grasped a basic knowledge of making food for ourselves since moving out from our parents' house. The idea that making this food for children suddenly entitled one to the title of a chef is laughable. Even in the more selective households that choose to avoid processed foods and make absolutely everything from scratch, the meals are nowhere near what you would get from a professional chef. In the households that sacrifice a bit of that home made feeling for convenience (such as the house I grew up in), let's not even compare boxed mac & cheese with bologna to anything you can get from a chef.

Counsellor/Educator/Social worker: You're listening to a 7 yr. old talk about how they got shoved in the sandbox. Or teaching your teenager how to shave the 3 hairs on his chin (possibly on his back). You might be offering a shoulder to console a broken heart. You are not performing counselling, or any type of therapy. You are performing the basic tasks anyone would do for someone they care about be it close friend, family member, partner, etc. Short of home schooling (and doing it well), you're not an actual educator. You're conveying enough knowledge for your offspring to behave in society. That's pretty much the base definition of a parent in any social structure.

Driver/Chauffeur: This one is up there with being a chef. In 2009, there were just over 21 million licensed drivers in Canada (I apologize to anyone reading this from another country. Feel free to look up your own statistics). There were not 21 million chauffeurs. People drive cars, with or without children. Now, I will admit that having children will alter one's driving habits but that can be said of just about any aspect of a new parent's life. We all have different needs and routines when it comes to driving. Some parents don't even drive and do all right overall (though I have a bone to pick with some of the, stay tuned for that post). Unless you are in a luxury car driving your kids to fancy black tie events or award galas, you're not a chauffeur.

Nurse: A box of Sesame Street bandages and kisses on scraped knees is not a nursing degree. Lacking the advanced knowledge of Anatomy, Biology and medical practice, the average parent is, at best, skilled in performing the most basic of first aid.

There are variations of the "many hats" status post on Facebook, but these are the themes I see most often. These are tasks most childfree people do without blinking or demanding recognition for it. Granted, parents may do them in larger volumes, but these are tasks that were chosen. No one has kids and then thinks "I didn't think I'd be cooking more". No, these are responsibilities parents take on all throughout the animal kingdom - to make sure their young have what they need to survive. It's been going on long before humans even existed. Long before Facebook, credit and recognition were ever asked for. If children are taught to have such a sense of entitlement, does that make their parents "life coaches" too?

Censorship and Sensibility

This commercial was banned in the United States for being inappropriate:


I'm afraid I don't have the exact details of what "inappropriate" means in this case. I've unofficially heard that dying children offends the sensibilities of easily outraged television viewers (particularly parents) and should not be shown. But that would warp the message. The truth is that children do in fact die because of landmines and other war-related reasons. But because it happens half a world away, many of us have an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude.

It's unfair, it's tragic, and it's inhuman for children to get killed or maimed because they stepped a little too much to the left or right. But the U.N. had a point to make. They knew that having some high paid Hollywood actor on screen saying "landmines kill people" wouldn't be enough. In order to understand a plight, it's best to put it in terms your target audience can relate to. That's exactly what they did by showing a mine blowing up on a soccer field. The correct reaction to the message is to acknowledge that we live in a world where these horrible things happen. This is meant to spark action that enacts change, not to wrap the message in cotton batting or outright sweep it under the rug.

Children die every single day. No amount of outrage, or pretending that they don't, will make that go away.

The 'what' and the 'why'

By now, it's obvious that I am not a parent. So what am I?

I'm a husband. I'm an uncle and a godfather. I'm a brother, a son, a nephew, a friend and so much more. I've chosen to define myself not by who I produce, but by who I am. My life is absolutely complete without having children. That's not to say that I've taken a stance against having children. On the contrary, I love my niece, nephew and godsons to pieces. They take up a special part of my life, a part I don't want to have dominate over the rest.

So where did my decision to be child free come from? I actually made the choice years ago, when I was in high school. At the time, I joked that it was because I liked to sleep until noon on weekends (what teenager doesn't?), but it turns out it was just a simplistic way of expressing what I felt. The truth is, I want to live my life in a way that doesn't work well when children are involved. I want to walk down the street and make a spur of the moment decision to go into a pub. I want to drive to my favourite city 2 hours away because I can't think of anything better to do. I want to spend the night away from home without having to think about it or plan. I want to see my friends when I want to, not just when I can. I want to watch MY shows on television, or spend hours playing video games or on my computer without an interruption. I want to skip dinner in favour of pizza at midnight.

This is where it gets tricky. I could have made that last paragraph three times as long without thinking too hard. The problem is, no matter how long I could have made the list, it wouldn't change the reactions I often get. People will sometimes call me selfish for not wanting children in favour of doing all those self-motivated things. I think it's honest. I don't like the sight of viscera, so I'm not be surgeon. I could be saving lives and making a difference in our otherwise understaffed health care system, but I'm not because I don't want to deal with the accompanying unpleasant aspects. By the same token, I don't want to be a parent. That's not being selfish, it's recognizing my own capabilities and limitations. Would you want a surgeon who gets squeamish when he cuts you open? Neither would I.

Surgeons don't get to sleep in much, though. I do every weekend and I love it.

Meet the UnParent

Hello, and welcome to TheUnparent. But just who/what is The UnParent?

Well, in many ways I'm the picture of average. I'm a 32 year old man living in my first house. I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world, I have a good steady 9-to-5 job in the IT field. I have my own car, a moderate amount of consumer debt, and I'm a cat owner.

But I don't have kids, and I never will.

That statement is weighty, and it always has been. In years past, procreation was a way of life. People grew into their teens, either paired off of their own will or were matched up by their families, and had children. Those children often worked on their parents' farms or apprenticed in town then grew to be teenagers, and the process repeated itself. Having children was expected of married couples, and doing otherwise was rogue behaviour to say the least. Couples without children could be tagged as blasphemers, or were often believed to have something "wrong" with them (whether the childlessness was attributed to decision or biology didn't matter in this case).

But Bob Dylan said it best: "The times, they are a-changin'". There's no longer a need for families to grow because of a need for a labour force. Parts of the world are overpopulated. Worldwide resources are dwindling. Having children is less of a necessity than it ever has been. However, there are still expectations placed on newer generations to have children. This expectation comes from many directions, and in many forms. These expectations are something I've chosen not to live up to. I've chosen not to be a parent.

This blog is not a soapbox. Though I may occasionally fire off a rant or 2, the point is to deliver arguments and explanations. I want my side of the story to be out there, for a few reasons. If you read discussion forums both for and against the child free lifestyle, there's an unofficial war brewing. While there's a lot of respect from both sides, there's also a lot of spite. I don't want to fight anyone, I want everyone to understand why other people make the decisions they do, and leave it at that. I also want to debunk myths and offer counter points to the many age-old arguments I (and my wife) face every day. I also want to tell this story from a man's point of view. The children/child free debate is often centered around women, as they are the child bearers of the species. But as a man, I also have a voice. I also have a mind, and I've made it up.

Welcome to The UnParent. I hope you'll be back.